From Paranormal To Abnormal?

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This was written when I was having doubt. About myself. About my abilities.

Recently I’ve gone from hope to hopelessness. For the past 17 years I’ve experienced what some would call the paranormal. I’ve documented some of these experiences in this blog. The past eight years I’ve experienced what I thought was telepathy. I started having experiences I could not explain. I was diagnosed Bi Polar in 2003 but a few years after that I realized I think I was misdiagnosed. I had a thyroid that went into hyper thyroid due to a clinic prescribing too much thyroid which mimic the signs of bi polar. I didn’t know it then so I accepted the diagnoses and have been on and off medications that made my life a living hell.

I’ve never talked with my psychiatrist about the telepathy for fear of being diagnosed sczhophrenic. I don’t hear voices, I get feelings in my body when it feels like the telepathy is there. I could get deep in a meditative trance and suddenly it felt like someone was there. Cannabis has always helped me in meditation as it helped me to deeply relax.

I’ve documented in my hand written journal all that has happened to me that made me sure I was gifted with some type of paranormal ability. This connection at first made me really scared. Not of the telepathy but more scared about how it was happening. I pushed it away. I tried not to believe it. I at times was manic and recieving so much information that I thought my brain would explode. I also have lucid dreams of this person (who shall remain namesless).

I was told in the 90’s by a friend who was a well respected psychic and channeler that I should attend one of psychic friends meetings. I was confused why he wanted me there. Once in the meeting, I was told by several others that I had a gift, but I didn’t know I had it or how to use it.This was the reason for my depression. I wasn’t using my gifts. It took 15 more years until my abilities become to show. I believe using cannabis helped as it opened my mind to new things and different ways to see the world. I don’t talk to dead people. I don’t believe I am a medium but I do believe in mediumship. I’ve had too many readings where relatives that passed on gave me messages through mediums. As much as I believe in these abilities I was a skeptic within myself.

It wasn’t until 2012 when the telepathy hit me hard. A man I have never met but have communicated in real life started being in my mind all the time. I tried to understand why I was thinking of him often. It came on strong and hard. At that time, in the begginning, I was not questioning it. I just went with the flow. As time passed it slowed down, but it was stronger than ever. I can’t begin to type out all the incidents that happened or were given to make me believe in myself. Never being able to talk about something to your friends and family without sounding absolutely insane takes a toll. Especially not being able to talk about it with the other. When I talk about it to my Mother she listens but it sounds so ridiculous. The man I have telepathy with has never validated me in real life, but things happened in the other realm that were hard for me to ignore.

Two years ago I went to a medium I really respect. He knew nothing of my situation. He did a tarot reading. He said: “You embraced something five years ago you didn’t want to embrace. You made a good decision.” I decided maybe God or the Universe had gifted me with something extraordinary so I went the other way. I decided to embrace it. Why not try to believe it? So I decided to believe in it since not believing in it made me unhappy. This is what the medium saw. He indicated that I should never go back to doubt and keep embracing it no matter what others think or what I doubt.

I don’t hear voices. It’s more like simultaneous thought. In psychic development classes they train you to notice changes in your body when you are with spirit. For example, when working with spirit guides,they will often give you signals in your body. A touch. A jerking. It’s different for everyone. Well when I’m communicating with the other I often feel little jerks in my left leg. (I realize that sounds nuts!) But this is the way it can happen. An additional sign that something is there.

The heart wrenching part of having the belief that one has a special ability is that if there is no real validation from the other, the mind becomes confused. It’s a matter of faith. To believe in something you can’t explain takes courage and hard work. The love for this person has grown with time, yet the person never shows up.

Today as I write this, I’ve been worried it will go away. Yet again as much joy as it brings me it also brings the pain of longing for this person. Maybe God will take away my love for this person as it’s causing me suffering. I don’t really mean that.

I’m abnormal. Maybe my paranormal is not normal.

I feel so empty and hopeless. The very thing that changed my life for the better, I’m afraid has left me. Being abandoned is one of my biggest fears. When it tries to come through maybe I should ignore it although I don’t want to. When my life is dark, I could always lay down and get into trance and there he was. Someone other worldly, caring for you. (Although since this is not a ghost he is not always there because he is alive and has a life outside this) That sounds crazy.

I wonder is this as good as it gets? 57. Alone. Destined to get old without the love of someone who loves me in an other worldly way. A person inside who knows me better than myself, is an extraordinary feeling, yet no one is coming to prove me right. This is what I prayed for over and over that what I thought was happening was really real. To know myself so well and to be able to say, oh my God I was right. Telepathy is real. To say “I had faith and it turned out to be real” would feel amazing.

The only real thing in my life is illness and maybe just an active fantasy life. Still there are so many things I can’t write here that proved I was going in the right direction. If some screenwriter got a hold of my journals there would be an amazing and miraculous story there within the trauma I’ve suffered. (A whole other story)

God only knows what I will be when I’m 77, reading my old journals and realizing how wrong and ridiculous I was.

Maybe this is schizophrenia after all. My heart is broken. It’s like God went out of his way to give me gifts and then decided to take them back.

And if you are reading this and you know it’s you I speak of, please for God sake, let it be true that it’s you.

As I read this again today, I realize this connection has not gone away. My lesson here is to learn to accept that which is given to us and be patient for an outcome. Everything changes. There will be a day when I know the truth, for now I am grateful for what I’ve got.