“You are Bi Polar”
Category Archives: Mind Control
It All Started With A Bad Batch of Thyroid Medication
I just want to say in advance. I do have a very clever Psychiatrist now. It took 15 years to find one that did not scare me.
Just wanted to make that plain. Not all Dr’s are bad.
Update. As of March 2021 that doctor is gone.
Back into the pit of snakes that want to wrap themselves around me. None will help free me from this medication that is almost impossible to withdrawal from.
I’m going to try to make this short because writing over and over about this topic triggers terrible PTSD and trauma for me.
I was introduced to psychiatric drugs in 92. I was 29. I just had a baby. I experienced post partum depression. At 6 weeks out my OB/GYN who had been sold the new drug Prozac by Eli Lilly here in my hometown of Indiana. If I were smarter and knew what I know now I would have refused. I’d had no mental health problems all my life. He handed me a script for it and said “you have to take this the rest of your life.” What the fuck? Why. Sadly I believed him. I took it and it helped for a short time. Then they switch to Zoloft. I became manic. I didn’t even know what that meant. I did things I would never do and the worst most horrific truth of that side effect, I left my husband. He was a wonderful man. I became a monster due to these drugs.
Skip to 2003 I was misdiagnosed on a violent ER in Seattle. In 10 minutes the doctor said I had bi polar. What was actually happening was my thyroid condition had been overdosed by a clinic. The symptoms I had in ER were actually from having my thyroid put into hyper thyroid. They never ask about my thyroid. They never gave me a blood test. Because of my thyroid blowing up, I had suicidal ideation. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I was thrown into a ER cell in psych area and left to piss on myself and they committed me to the psych ward at Harborview Hospital. I felt like I was in some kind of conspiracy. I experience torture and hallucinations as the drug Lithium and others they gave me kicked in. I was lobotomized. I couldn’t question what was happening to me. I had no advocate. This started a decade of abuse by psych wards and psychiatrists. Horrific things happened to me as my mind began to stop working. When I told my boyfriend at the time that I wanted off this shit, when I would stop taking it, cold turkey, which i had no idea was dangerous, my mind became worse. This the horrors of these meds. The minute you stop taking it, the withdrawal symptoms become so horrific that the dr. insists you take it. “The reason you feel bad is because you stopped your medications.” This IS CRIMINAL. I’m not a violent person but looking back on what they did to me and my life, I’d like to blow the brains out of these monster Drs. No maybe what is a better revenge is to force them to take the drugs they forced on me when I was not mentally ill. I lost my home again. My boyfriend lied to police and put me in jail when I was withdrawaling from the meds.
During 2003 to 2011 I was put on at least 20 different anti psychotic meds. They would change them every other month. My insurance forced me to the haunted house psychiatry group. They would give me a different doctor everytime. Once I gave a history to a 22 intern. I talked about these dreams nice dreams I had had of Eddie Vedder since 93. Later I saw my medical records and it said “patient thinks she is talking to Kurt Cobain from the grave.” OMG? Once I saw another new asshole and when he walked in he had a 2 inch thick file on me. I said hello. He just starred at me. I ask, well what do you think today about me. “I know one thing, he said, “you are completely delusional.” He had never seen or spoken to you. I told him to fuck off and left his office in tears.
I was off meds for almost 2 years from 2011 to 2013. I got my body back. I could write again but the long term taking of these drugs can cause withdrawal symptoms for years. I honestly believe I have been part of some mass conspiracy to poison millions of people that never needed these drugs.
I ended up with a bladder condition, called Interstitial Cystitis. A painful chronic spasm of the bladder with no cure only yearly surgery. I didn’t know what it was. I went to an ER back in Indianapolis. St. Vincent’s Hospital in Indianapolis. The same place I had given birth to my son 20 years before.
They gave me morphine for the pain and then started quizzing me about my “bi Polar” and why I was not on meds. I told them they made me sick. They thought I was just looking for pain meds. No urologist checked me. Something bad happened. (I can not say at this time what happened but lets just say, it felt like I had a baby) They left me alone in a room in stirrups and water was flowing out of me. I try not to remember that.
When that was over, They locked me in the room and all the machines were going off beeping like a distraction and outside the room I heard a terrible racket. Like there were people shooting other people with some kind of pop gun. By then the morphine had worn off. Doors were slamming. People were yelling. Then they came back into room and gave me a pill and something to drink. I passed out. The next thing I know I woke up on the floor of their Stress Center. On the floor! Two nurses sat at desk staring at me. I cried out for someone to help me. Why was I there. I had a bladder problem. They forced Haldol on me and I became lobotomized. I had no one to advocate for me.
The last day I was suppose to be there a shit faced fuck head psychiatrist interviewed me. He ask how I was feeling. I told him I was not suppose to be in here. I had a bladder problem. I had been off meds for two years and now I was back on them, having to withdrawal again on my own. Conspiracy? YES.
Then he ask if I had telepathy. lol Do you think I’m going to tell you about my spiritual life? He ask if I could talk to Jesus. I laughed again and said yes, I’m talking to him right now. I had to stand up to this dick head. He hated it. What is wrong with talking to Jesus? He said, “you have to stay three more days and I’m changing your meds.” I stood up and went into main room and screamed “this is criminal! I”m not taking anymore of your poison.” The room and other patients went silent as the grave. A nurse came up to me and whispered, “just take it so you can get out of here.”
The bladder thing and the ER and putting locked up in psych ward happened two more times in next two years.
Jump to today. I’ve been on Lithium for 3 years. I’ve been on Serequel for same amount of time. I started have night terrors every night. My weight went from 160 to 212 which is what I am now. I do like the my Dr. but when I ask him why he kept upping seroquel to fix nightmares that got worse and worse, his ego was deflated so he stopped talking to me. Then he passed me to a sleep dr who saw no nightmares and I told her I was weaning off serequel. She deflected from night mares to my smoking and tried to scare me that I had COPD which I do not. She ordered oxygen at night but nightmares continued. I called the other morning to talk to nurse after waking from horrific night terror and the dead voiced nurse said, “the dr wants a drug screen.” For what? I said. Are you trying to tell me that I’m using crack or cocaine and since she has no fucking idea what to do about my nightmares nor does she call my shrink to say “hey maybe it’s her anti psychotic” (dr.s do not consult with each other) Fucking nightmare. So my sleep dr passed me back to my primary dr. to go to Neuroscience. I have been asking for MRI for two years and NOBODY will look at my brain. I’m sure I have brain damage. What are they afraid of? Back in Seattle years before they gave me a MRI and put a hypnotic suggestion that I had something in brain and then changed their minds. Left me with years of feeling scared that something could be in there. Still live with that but just let the thought pass. What kind of nasty experiment have I been in for years?
I’m actually doing well. I’m weaning myself off serequel. I’ve gone from 200 at night to 50 at night but I’m alone doing it. No one will help me. I’m so traumatized from years of abuse from the medical community. I live alone. I am on disability. I worked all my life. Great jobs. Film sets. Manager. Laser operator. I now am 56 and look to God and ask
What the hell have you let them do to me? Am I in danger still. Does someone want me dead for some reason. Am I the Holy Grail? lol I’m so sad and lonely. I do everything on my own. I pay my rent I can take out my trash, I can watch my little Grandchildren but I’m traumatized.
The way I have adapted is I do feel I have a telepathic connection to two men I know but aren’t here. (that story is private for now) This connection feels like pure protection. I often feel it says to me, don’t worry, we are watching and taking care of you. Jesus is with me too. Perhaps what has happened to me will cause something wonderful to happen and this won’t happened to anyone again.
My inner child is waiting for love. For Prince Charming. The only way my heart can keep going after my life was destroyed by a pill.
If this has happened to you, you are not alone. Below is a link to The Harm Reduction Guide on how to safely go off psychiatric poison.
God bless you for reading.
Click to access ComingOffPsychDrugsHarmReductGuide2Edonline.pdf
I Feel Crucified
I realize people who say they are involved in a conspiracy are considered nut cases. To say conspiracies do not exist is completely irrational. In the history of history to say there have been no conspiracies ever is actually more irrational than saying they do exist.
If you go back into this blog you will see other essays about what I’m trying to express.
For the first 40 years of my life I lead a fairly normal happy life. I was born to a poor family but I was later lucky enough to be go to University, travel the world, had careers that were highly respected and successful. I got married and had a child. It was not until I got post partum depression is when I was encouraged to psychiatric drugs all my life.
I had spiritual experiences like synchronicity in my life. Where amazing coincidences lead me down paths to make my life seem to be guided by God forces that got me to amazing places. I got married. I had a beautiful baby boy. I was a good Mom. I was a very hard worker. However, at six weeks post partum in 1992, my OBGYN talked me into going on Prozac. He had been sold the pill by Lilly and probably got a free golf vacation in Hawaii to promote it. Now I feel this was the first criminal act by a doctor against me. Instead of saying, the Post Partum will go away, he said I needed to be on this med the rest of my life. I didn’t know anything about these drugs then. As soon as I went on them they changed my personality and made me manic. I ended up divorcing my husband. That was when Dr.s started the life long forced drugging with psychiatric medication. He was not a a psychiatrist and if I had known better I would have never taken it. This is when my life changed. These horrific drugs they prescribe for everything now, controlled my life. Later in the late 90’s I had stopped this drug. I felt normal again.
Jump to Sept 2003 a clinic overdosed me (by accident?) on my thyroid medication. I did not notice the increased dosage on bottle. As the medication changed my body I began to have ringing in my ears, unusual thoughts and suicidal ideation. I did not realize they had upped my synthyroid. I experience some pretty horrible effects over a period of two weeks due to too much thyroid in my body. I ended up in an ER, where they put me on a gurney in a storage room while waiting for Dr. I was with my partner at the time. When I had arrived I said I was having symptoms of feeling like I was going to die. All this due to thyroid. We waited for hours to be seen. We gave up and tried to leave when a security guard threw me down on the bed and screamed in my ear YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! I was terrified. A doctor came in and ask me my symptoms. I told him how I felt and instead of asking about my health and my thyroid (doing no blood work) which if they had done would have shown my manic behavior was due to an overdosed thyroid. He immediately in fifteen minutes diagnosed me Bi Polar. I had had only had low grade depression all my life. I could not understand how he could come to this diagnoses in minutes.
I was immediately put in a psych ward ER holding facility where I was locked in a jail room. I was watched and ignored. They would not let me go to bathroom. They let me pee on myself. They took me upstairs to the psych ward and immediately gave me an MRI. While in machine they started asking other techs to come in and look at the scan. They all seemed really concerned about something. While I laid there I got this weird idea that i had a chip in my head. As if they were acting like there was something wrong. Putting a suggestion into my mind. Afterwards I ask them what was all the drama about. They said “oh nothing.” I think they call that a hypnotic suggestion. Why all the techs rushed into the room was beyond me. That was the first time I ever felt I might have a chip in my head. I didn’t want to think of that I’m too rational to entertain that but I’m also not blind when medical people do things I consider odd.
For the next 10 years I was pursued by psychiatrists. They gave me every new anti psychotic made. Since I believe I didn’t have Bi Polar, I believe my mis diagnoses of Bi polar is what made me think I needed the pills. I lost my job. I was put on disability. I was so drugged at times I could not stand. My relationship with my partner deteriorated. If someone takes psychiatric drugs that do not need them, then a brain on these drugs can be damaged which actually creates a mental illness. This happened to me.
Terrible, terrible things happened to me in psych wards. I had no advocate but just one good friend who helped. I know I have PTSD from all this. I also have brain damage from taking these drugs I did not need. My life was terrifying. Meanwhile there were good things that happened.
In 2011 I did research on how to come off psychiatric medication safely. The way they are designed is if you stop cold turkey, the side effects mimic the condition you are taking them for in the first place. I was withdrawing from these meds and my Dr. had left town. I had no doctor. I had gone to an ER and told them I was withdrawing from psychiatric medication. They only said to take them again. That night the ER sent me home with no help. I went to bed. The next morning at 7am, I was fine, sitting at my desk, just drinking coffee. My partner came out and said causally you have to move out today. We had lived in that home for 10 years and I was on lease. I was actually moving in two weeks as we were breaking up. I was just waiting for the apt to be painted. When he told me to move today I laughed. I can’t move today. How can I do that. He went into his room and locked the door. I started crying and threw some books around. Little did I know he was calling the police. 4 cops showed up at my door. I was calm and respectful and told them I was ill and that I had been in ER night before. I had a piece of paper I showed them that said to come back to ER next day if I felt worse. They arrested me for harassment and I went to jail for three days. I was in shock.
3 weeks later my boyfriend moved his new girlfriend into our home.
In jail they put me in isolation. A doctor came to the door and gave me a Valium and said “you should not be in here.” This was one of the most terrifying moment in my life. I can hardly type it out. They said I would have to go to court unless I said I was guilty and I would be on mental health probation for two years. I took that. It was wrong. All of it was like being crucified.
I can’t begin to type 16 years of the traumatic events. I moved back to Indiana where my family was from. I had to get out of Seattle. Too many shrinks chasing me around. Seattle kept me in the psychiatric system by making me continue to go to shrink in Indiana when I had finally got off all drugs. This is when I felt something, someone was trying to harm me.
The terror did not stop when I moved home. My son who was 20 by now, was my only joy.
One day in 2013 I experienced so much bladder pain, I was peeing all over my house. I did not know it at the time but I had Interstial Cystitis. A chronic bladder condition that makes your bladder shrink and causes severe pain.
There is a true story about a woman named Eleanor Riese who sued the system to stop forced drugging and a patients right to refuse medication. The side effects of these drugs caused damage to Eleanor’s bladder. It was not until I saw this film, did I see similar situation in myself.
So back to the first time I had intense pain in my bladder. I called an ambulance. They took me to the ER in the hospital where I had my son 20 years before. They gave me morphine and said they could not find anything wrong with my bladder. They had no idea about IC. While I was on morphine, they started to quiz me about my bi polar. Oh God here we go again. They ask if I was stressed. They saw I had good insurance. I told them I was stressed because I was in pain! They gave me something to drink and hours later I woke up on the floor of a psych ward The nurses at desk just sat there as I woke up. Let me lay on floor. I was forced to take drugs against my will. I was in there for two weeks and they never diagnosed my bladder condition.
Two years later the same thing happened again. I was coerced while drugged to admit myself into psych ward even though I was in ER for bladder condition again. I told them I had Interstitial Cystitis. While in psych ward, I was in severe pain. They put me in an empty room with mat on floor because my cries where bothering other patients. I was crying hysterically asking for a urologist. They ignored me. I prayed and prayed and what I heard was “keep crying until they do something.” Finally some “doctor” who was not a urologist came in. He ask me to take down my underwear. He stood six feet from me and ask me to spread my legs. He looked at my vagina from across the room and said “it looks fine to me.” Both of these incidents took place at St. Vincent Hospital in Indianapolis, Indiana.
This is where I have to stop now. I hate to write things that sound crazy but there have been too many incidents with the psychiatrists and all the drugs. I am normal when I am not on these poisons
Now I live alone. I have PTSD. I meditate. I am very spiritual. But my life story over the last 16 years seems like someone who is being oppressed. Or crucified in a metaphoric sense. The new problems are Urologists who often deflect my bladder problems onto a psychiatric diagnoses.
I often feel there may come a day I may kill myself although I do not want to do that. I have two little grandchildren, but I have so much trauma that I can’t even think somedays. I do have a psychiatrist now who I like since I’m stuck in the system now. I take Lithium. I do have horrible night terrors for last 6 years. My Dr. believe in psychic abilities and has encouraged me to develop them. I’ve also felt like I’ve developed telepathy in last 10 years and never says he thinks I’m schizophrenic. Sometimes angels come to me and say that I am special and all this hell I’ve been through, something wonderful is going to happen to me.
All I feel as I end this never ending essay is how terrifying my Mother is to me. How she can hit and run my mind. If the thing that grew you in her belly, talks to you to make you feel like you want to die, sometimes you wish she would die so I don’t have to be bullied ever again by my first enemy. My Mother. Who tells me I’m nothing and crazy and basically a piece of shit.
Have to go and try to overcome writing this incomplete essay, always feeling like I’m involved in some kind of experiment. I feel like a lab rat. I’m such a loving person and care about the world and I don’t understand how I ended up in this living crucifixion.
I’m mostly alone. No one is there at night when I have nightmares. No one comforts me during panic attacks. I have some good friends who help at times. I only know one thing that will save my life.
For me to meet someone who understands what I have been through and who will make me laugh and never disregard the horrors I’ve seen. I’m so scared I’m unloveable and at 56 it’s almost too late to dream of a better life with someone who loves me.
Maybe I can continue to live by writing and imagining even if they aren’t real, some savior will come save me. Jesus understands. I know he does.
Thank you for reading all this crap. I didn’t believe in conspiracies until all this happened to me. I hold onto my faith as much as possible until it’s not there.
All Near Death Experiences Aren’t Pink Tunnels of Light
This is not fun.
Have you ever had a near death experience? Many people have and they often report the experience changes their life in a profoundly joyous way. Sometimes receiving understanding about yourself while briefly visiting another dimension.
I had one. It was not that.
The pre text is this. I was basically a psychiatric pill lab rat for almost a decade by Dr’s or should I shrinks that should have worked for the Nazis.
One day, I must have had a bunch of energy and took a walk. That walk ended up on a bus. The bus ended up downtown Seattle. I lived in West Seattle. I was very self sufficient. I paid my rent, I could take care of finances so I was not someone freaking out on a street.
I knew that these drugs I had taken for 10 years were poison from experience. If you don’t have issues, they make you feel like you do. So they sell it to everyone for everything.
But to stop taking the poison they put poison in so you get worse when you try to stop. So then someone tells you stop taking your pills so they must be right. That is a game the pharmaceutical companies have created and its abhorrent.
A cycle they invented to actually create mental illness in someone. My loser boyfriend had me arrested after he told me to me out home of 10 years in 5 hours while I was having a seizure and a reaction to drugs. The police took me away and put me in jail. I told them I was sick. 4 big MEN. I can’t abide police even though they are not these men, to my traumatized mind they are all that moment.
I was at another ER night before saying “I’m having a reaction to medications for psychiatry.” They did nothing. I was even calm all I had done was thrown a plant. Literally. The jail horror story is the other one most terrifying moments in my innocent life other than this near death experience. (By the way, this ex who I could give a poo about shows up in my dreams cheating on me and abandoning. 8 years he has tormented. I’m still in his jail. If I find out someone is out there doing this to me to hurt me, the hounds of hell are coming unless you stop. You have time to repent. But I won’t forget what you have done to us. Whoever is programming that shit into my head I’m sicking Tarantino’s dogs on your Nazi ass.
So I end up on a train to south seattle. I had no money. They just let me on. I almost felt another me inside saying someone is controlling you and wake up from this la la happy day. I end up of some gravel path without shoes mind you and no purse. I see security guard from boeing and say “I don’t know how I got here.” He ask if I needed help and I said please. Then 4 cops showed up with their hands on their guns and I though, “this is it. I am in a conspiracy and they got me here and they are going to kill me. I thought I was going to lose my bowels and bend down on grass under tree to go to bathroom. Their report I saw, “said I tried to expose myself to them.” Fuckers. inside of my waking nightmares I believe they did kill me sometimes but I’m here maybe like cylons they put me in another body. 😀 I know that sounds crazy but as a writer you try to deal with PTSD by making up stories about everything so you brain does not explode.
At ER I told them about how I am having withdrawal from meds which can take sometimes years. I was kind. I walked around the ward. I got water. Went to bathroom. I was still having panic attack and kept asking if someone could give me some relief with clonazapam. As they always do, they make you wait and just watch you. They do nothing. No one holds your hand. Talks to you. Finally it was dark and they gave me a pill. I must have feel asleep
This is my near death experience:
Like I mentioned above. So many people report NDE’s to be the most life changing and joyous. I believe in them. My need to throw a pity party, I’ve seen so much why me? My NDE was horrific. . So many people have pleasant experiences and I am sure glad for that. While I was sleeping I had been mysteriously been put in 4 point restraints while I was asleep in an ER. I woke up in a room with no ability to see anyone. There were curtains over the sliding glass room doors. I wanted to know what was happening and I screamed and I pleased and no one would answer my calls. My voice became monstrous! I was the “observer” so to speak. I was out of myself looking at myself. The lack of breath became more intense.. I was losing control of controlling myself. I had suicidal ideation for years, so why not now? How low can you get huh?
Something seemed to channel into my head “You tell them they are all going to die. An asteroid is coming.” Oddly, although what it was saying was horrific it felt it was there to help me some to at lease scare shit out of them Why not?. I didn’t understand what was going on. After 3 minutes of this you start to lose consciousness due to lack of breath. I scream, “you’re all going to die for what you are doing to me! An asteroid is going to kill you!!!”
Oddly 5 Months Later
The Chelyabinsk meteor was a superbolide that entered Earth’s atmosphere over Russia on 15 February 2013 at about 09:20 YEKT (03:20 UTC). It was caused by an approximately 20 m (66 ft) near-Earth asteroid with a speed of 19.16 ± 0.15 kilometres per second (60,000–69,000 km/h or 40,000–42,900 mph).
Believe me I got no comfort from this.
Maybe God does have warnings and wraths of his own.
It got so bad that I decided to die and held my breath to stop my heart to see if God was watching. I saw on the other side of the door in my mind’s eye all the nurses and doctors who had tied me down. They were all paralyzed. they were conscious but could not move except for their eyes. It was their punishment for trying to kill me. But then I saw the whole innocent world in purgatory. All frozen. Paralyzed state. Even babies. It was …………………….. I lost consciousness.
I woke up and a nurse came in and said nothing to me and released the restraints. Like nothing had ever happened. I was hallucinating by this point as I woke up and felt the presence of people with guns on other side of the door forcing them to release me. This happened in Seattle in 2012. They gave me my clothes. I had no shoes when i came in and no purse and they didn’t care, they just let me go by myself way back into town. I to this day do not know how I got home. The point is what are bad NDE’s. What is the spiritual implication? During mine I felt gravity double like I was falling into a singularity. On the good side haven’t tried to die lately, but I do have astral projections but rarely. They are very good but another post perhaps. Let’s just say I’ve meet some pretty enlightened beings that look pretty much like us but vibrate slightly higher. Thanks for reading this and thanks for the topic.
And to whoever is always watching what I do I want you to remember the horrors I’ve put been put through. So to continue to give me tiny daytime gas lighting and disrespect and making me go through your games and your tests while you treat ME LIKE NOTHING.
I hope that NDE doesn’t mean I’m meant for living purgatory. Please I pray to not live like this anymore.
Thank God for family. Friends. Jesus and my James. I know you are watching over me.
If people keep kicking me, I’m going to bite back. Maybe sometime is watching you too. What is the content of your character. Do you care what I live with and what I can not forget.
I forgive but I never forget.
I love you James for helping me write this without shaking or getting upset. This is for you to end on a love note. xo
To See Thee More Clearly…..Day By Day
It is very very difficult to write about an extraordinary spiritual experience in your life that can’t really be explain by grouping letters.
I’ve never been “Religious.” I have always been connected to nature in a weird way and God’s creation reminds us of his gifts for us. I do consider myself “Spiritual.” The difference between religion and spirituality is that religious people are trying not to go to hell. Spiritual people have already been there or are walking through it.
When odd things happened in my life. Very big synchronicity usually around people I didn’t know or musicians etc. These meaningful coincidences feel different than a regular coincidence. They are usually separated by time, can come in threes with the last closing up and validating the beginning. When someone gets a great job by coincidences that sometimes take time. There is meaning there but only you can feel it. It feels like some force in the Universe put that together. That’s when you start to believe.
I also found mindfulness. Buddhism is a practice. With have Bi Polar and having taking way to many different psychotropic drugs, my mind was a mess of constant thoughts and memories of horrible things that happened to me. I have written about that in past in this blog but I find it triggers me and I’m feeling divine and now is not the time to rehash sad. During mediation I first started really simple. Doing Deepak Chopra’s 21 Day Meditation Challenge. It’s great for beginners and you are lead through it and don’t get up to go to kitchen to eat donuts because we all have monkey minds.
I took 10 years but I learned to stop and quiet my mind just for 5 breaths. Over a couple of years is when it happened. I felt a sound in my right ear and my head felt like it had helium in it. Suddenly I thought of the person who I felt that way with. It’s so crazy to write this. I know this sounds nuts. My ego fought this for three years and i felt worse. Crazed it didn’t stop be he wasn’t really saying anything in public about this connection. What if some ghost is pretending to be him? Walk that rope for three years and you become a bitter suicidal bitch. But that was the process because once when I was in distress…
I was laying on the bathroom floor of a psych ward which I should not have been in. I came to ER for severe bladder pain (interstitial cystitis) and after they gave me morphine they found out I was bi polar. I kind of remember having an experience of angels from elsewhere examining me while these “evil doctors” stigmatized me and ask me questions on morphine do I see angels? Do I talk to Jesus? I’m fucked up. I don’t have a clue what your talking about. 2am. Wake up in psych ward i had been before. I was crying because I needed surgery. They would not call urologist because im in psych ward and in psych ward they think everyone is nuts and lies. I cried and cried begged for doctor. Some ass “Doctor” came in to see me in isolation room because my crying from pain was bothering other patients. i was laying on floor. A bladder that spasms can be seen without surgery. So the guy tells me to take my underwear off and spread my legs. He was standing 7 ft away. There was nothing to see because it was inside and then he said. Looks ok to me.
Are you fucking kidding me? Where is the camera. What the fuck is going on? I swear if I met that man now I’d kick him in the teeth and put him in jail.
So I know I’m way off here. So whiling on bathroom floor, I felt that dread of death would be better than the moment you were in. ALONE. No family. No police stopping these people. NO HELP. Mr. Rodger always says when you are scared look for the helpers. I could only see evil nurses and doctors and sad patients who sat there watching helpless. Drugged. Like they drugged me.
Since I saw no one, I decided to bring my Christian faith back and remembered Jesus. Maybe the man in my head is also the living incarnation of Jesus. He said he was coming back. I think he is my savior. I was laying on that floor screaming, crying and prayed to my Lord. Please help me! Please tell me what to do?
KEEP SCREAMING he said. CRY TIL THOSE EVIL BASTARDS CAN’T TAKE IT.
I did for 10 more minutes.
Someone came to escort me across street to psych ward wing for those waiting for surgery. God morphine immediately and the calm inside and the presence of God and Jesus was overwhelming. I’d given myself to Jesus. Funny, Jesus had already given himself to me. I’m sorry it took so long to accept. I’m sorry I forgot your suffering. they have suicide watchers sitting with patients on medical side. There was this angel. He was from Rowanda. He had lost his whole family. He has the most peaceful energy. We talked awhile. 2 other woman came. They all offered me comfort after the pain in the psych ward. I’ve learned God doesn’t let these things happen and at times I would curse God, and then later the experience above. Perhaps those scary times make this what ever this is time of love so much easier.
Be careful what you wish for. Oh isn’t that true. You may have just wish for an ice cream cone and ended meeting a King holding a cone.
Reconnecting Social Receptors Is Confusing
I need a repairman. Not a Psychiatrist. An electrical engineer who works on brains.
It’s funny what causes me anxiety. My life is dominated by no purposeful events on a daily basis. Most days when I wake up I panic because there is nothing to do that day and no one to do it with. I’m always the girl on the outside of everyone doing things. Watching while others are in tribe. It’s like that painting my Renoir. I feel like the girl with glass of water. And I didn’t get that idea from a film.
Most mornings it’s hard enough to come down from the panic I have when my eyes open because of the dreams I have a night. Dreams of love that left me. Men who were in my life but gone, off living better without me. The Lithium is helping me by not letting me go manic angry on God, but in some ways, it makes me kinda not care about anything or really enjoy anything except when I’m getting love from my Grandson. Otherwise, I’m walking around smiling when I just feel separate from everyone on Earth. I don’t know how to take normal life sometimes because of the trauma. I guess love is all I need but they don’t put that in a pill.
I spoke to a really hopeless man I met on the Icarus Project yesterday. His story was miserable and his outlook on things getting better was non existent. I could see why. It did seem hopeless and the despair he felt the most was where did his life go? What happened to the man who had it all together and handled things with confidence. Now he’s alone in a scary place with people he does not know. He has not alone time, yet he is so lonely for love. I didn’t want to be one of those positive all the time people because he frankly didn’t want to hear it. I instead just told him I feel the same way. Where does love go when one has mental illness? Why do many of us get abandoned by the ones we love and sometimes that is family. I just wanted to reach through the computer and hug him. It made me really down. We are just random occurrences in the Universe controlled by a meat bag with a grey computer that eventually quits. Maybe there is a force in the Universe that picks up our energy when we pass, giving us to a chance to re-imagine a life where everyone we lost and everything we suffered goes away and we dwell on a holographic plane of some kind, who knows?
Because I have so little money every month to live on disability and getting a job has been a nightmare, I rarely do anything extravagant like inviting someone over for a get together. I have two friends left in life that live nearby. One has recently become ill and has hardly left her house for two months, which angers me as I watch a person with Bi Polar who has weight struggles who use to be very strong, submit to a mysterious ailment that keeps her in a chair all day. I feel for her but it scares me to death. That could be me. I already sit around most days restless to go somewhere, the thought of an illness putting me out, without a partner to to help, she has one, sounds terrifying to me. But despite my limitations I decided to throw a get together for my old college buddy, the last friend I have in town.
I knew it would be good to have a few of her friends over. Even though I may go a bit broke buying things for party, I know I need it. But what is strange is today I want to be weepy. I’m perplexed by what’s not happening in my brain. I am actually nervous and overwhelmed now. Why can’t anything make me happy? I think because in my life I use to be such a social butterfly and had a partner and friends and did festivals and concerts and parties, that since I have been single and in this town, those receptors in my brain are no longer attached. They have lost their long tern connections due to isolation and depression. It’s like they need to be reattached to feel excited about having a few friends over. I’m worried they will think I’m poor. Isn’t that horrible. Will I have enough food? Where will they sit since I don’t have a sofa. Will they be bored and leave early. What will happen when they leave and I have a good time and then I’m alone again for days with nothing coming up. All or nothing.
I know that negative thoughts wire your brain in a way you don’t want, but loneliness and wanting love is a connection I can’t un connect unless a miracle comes along in the form of love.
Last night I was speaking to a friend on the phone. He calls every night and often calls again before I go to bed so I don’t get scared to go asleep alone. I have never met him. There is a mystery behind this man that I have mentioned in this blog but as today, he’s just this guy from Massachusetts who seems to care about me and sometimes tells me he loves me. I have ask him as I have before, please come see me. Please end this mystery I was told by a third party and be you. Please be the man who has been there for me since 06 and God, if you can even exist make him the one so I can’t stop making up love stories in my head about men that will never come.
I guess if he were to come, I would be really very anxious as I don’t know how to be with a man anymore. Everything makes me cry. Even though there are a going to be other souls in my lonely apartment tonight, that black hole of “God I can’t bare going to bed without someone spooning me at night.” will be in my pocket saying, “as soon as they leave, you are alone again, ….naturally.”
I guess it’s just the sadness of how mental illness can age us earlier than we should. I don’t think I’m going to see any new posts on here that have hope until the Universe provides light to fill up that black hole and reattach all the healthy receptors in my brain when I was, well happy.
I’ll try to remember this and I’ll watch it through mixed tears.
Coming Off Psychiatric Medication: A Harm Reduction Guide To Coming Off Psychiatric Drugs
What is normal?
I found this.
so…..
After 13 years of on and off of this crap, it’s time to STOP.
Stopping alone safely is a huge challenge.
“A psychiatric diagnoses is often a death sentence.”
…so true.
Here is one resource to come off psych meds from The Icarus Project. Will Hall is a therapist who supplied this resource. There is also a video.
Rant Over.
Note: I don’t think I will be writing about these mental health nightmares anymore because after I finished writing this, my Interstitial Cystitis flared up which I have talked about in this blog. Then I get anxiety attacks which make the bladder pain worse which makes my mind nuts and I’m just sick and tired of telling the same stories over and over and expecting anyone is really listening.
It’s all so horrific and I can’t continue to relive it and fight the good fight against the system. Tis time to move onto better happier things in 2016.
I wasn’t going to say this, but I will be a militant bitch one last time when I politely say to psychiatry,
FRAK off
and
Namaste.
😀
Science Goes On - A Blind Date With God 
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