WWES – What Would Eva Say?

I attended the pubic memorial for Eva Moses Kor, a woman who ended up in Auschwitz with her 10yr old twin sister. She was 1 of 20 twins who Joesph Mingle experimented on. She saw her Mother and Father and older siblings taken away. They did not survive. She and her sister did when the camp was liberated by the Russians.

I was also there to hear from Eva from beyond on how to deal with my own forgiveness. Her light passed onto me for me to pass on to someone else.

Eva eventually married and moved to Terre Haute Indiana. While living there and working as a realtor and raising her children, she was bullied by white hatred and her small Holocaust museum was burned. Eva’s horrific experience at Auschwitz pushed her on a campaigner to local papers and networks to try to find if Mingle was still alive. Life was hard for her in the 70’s. Writing day in and day out to get someone to hear her story. One day a journalist took the chance with Eva. Soon, her story had become an international movement to find Mingle. Later they determined they had found his body and no he was not living.

I wonder about all the rage you’d feel toward a monster like Mingle who was actually an extremely smart doctor, but without a soul. The test twins were treated differently than the rest as they were “lab specimens.” They needed them to stay alive.

Eva’s one way of not losing her humanity was the fact she was there with her sister. Seeing each other reminded them they were alive. That there still was humanity if not just through the eyes of your sister.

Later in life Eva rebuilt her museum. School groups started coming. Interviews. TV. She traveled back and forth to Auschwitz several times a year with school groups and adults.

Forgiving is  such a gray area. You can forgive your husband for not calling or forgive they guy who yells racial slurs, but radical forgiveness, what is that? I guess it means to imagine the worst thing someone could do and then forgive them for it. I guess you’d have to go through it to have that thought of trying to forgive. Eve decided for her own health and state of mind, she was going to reach down deep and forgive the Nazis. For herself. For her own soul to be free.

Many people of Jewish faith were appalled. I can totally relate to anyone who says they will never forgive the Nazis. I can’t relate totally to their pain but I would probably not be able to forgive. I think whatever your views on it, we can agree she tried to save herself from the hell of losing your family and becoming an experiment. Hard. Very hard.

Her message was “for only herself” she would state. I’m not here to tell anyone how to grieve this horrible history.  Rabbi Michael Berenbaum, is an American scholar, professor, rabbi, writer, and filmmaker, who specializes in the study of the Holocaust.

spoke at Eva’s memorial. He was featured in the documentary Eva A-7063. There were Jewish survivors that were interviewed in film. They were very against the message Eva was spreading. For good reason. Berenbaum spoke at the podium with Eva’s picture behind him when he said “Eva and I might not have agreed on everything, but the Bible says to forgive, but we Jewish never forget.” I was trying to cry silently like many others in the hall. It was tragic and so freeing because of her love for chicken nuggets.

I was mesmerized listening to him speak. It was moving as he stated Eva was to give an address in January she can’d deliver now. He said Eva’s message was to make sure this never happens again and to educate children on what hate and lack of tolerance can’t do. Because of her passing her message needs to live on.

She helped mandate Holocaust education in Indiana State Schools.

Gov. Holcomb spoke a great deal about Eva. They had become close friends. He said when he thinks of Eva, he thinks about the lyrics to the Beach Boys song “Good Vibrations.” That is what she made him feel. “I even had a little crush on her.” he said.

I was so moved during the memorial. We laughed at how much moxy and feisty this 4’7″ woman was. She was not afraid to speak her truth. She was not broken by something so horrific that none of us can actually imagine so she is and was an inspiration to many. Especially with the children. She shined in her wardrobe of blue clothes. She for me, makes me feel, if Eva can get through that, I can get through this.

Eva Kor’s Life Lessons

1 Never, ever give up

2. Prevent prejudice by judging people only on their actions and content of character.

3. Forgive your worst enemy. It will heal your soul and set you free.

4. Each of us has a wonderful mind that can help repair the world. Be the change you want to see.

We were given small light sticks to be used at the end of the memorial. From the stage someone said

“It’s now time for the light sticks.

…………………….You must break the stick to see the light.”

My friend Jennifer and I turned to each other at exactly the same time.

Breaking first. It was profound.

The sticks were bioluminisent blue.

Just like Eva. Shine on wild child.

 

All Near Death Experiences Aren’t Pink Tunnels of Light

 

This is not fun.

Have you ever had a near death experience? Many people have and they often report the experience changes their life in a profoundly joyous way. Sometimes receiving understanding about yourself while briefly visiting another dimension.

I had one. It was not that.

The pre text is this. I was basically a psychiatric pill lab rat for almost a decade by Dr’s or should I shrinks that should have worked for the Nazis.

One day, I must have had a bunch of energy and took a walk. That walk ended up on a bus. The bus ended up downtown Seattle. I lived in West Seattle. I was very self sufficient. I paid my rent, I could take care of finances so I was not someone freaking out on a street.

I knew that these drugs I had taken for 10 years were poison from experience. If you don’t have issues, they make you feel like you do. So  they sell it to everyone for everything.

But to stop taking the poison they put poison in so you get worse when you try to stop. So then someone tells you stop taking your pills so they must be right. That is a game the pharmaceutical companies have created and its abhorrent.

A cycle they invented to actually create mental illness in someone. My loser boyfriend had me arrested after he told me to me out home of 10 years in 5 hours while I was having a seizure and a reaction to drugs. The police took me away and put me in jail. I told them I was sick. 4 big MEN.  I can’t abide police even though they are not these men, to my traumatized mind they are all that moment.

I was at another ER night before saying “I’m having a reaction to medications for psychiatry.” They did nothing. I was even calm all I had done was thrown a plant. Literally. The jail horror story is the other one most terrifying moments in my innocent life other than this near death experience. (By the way, this ex who I could give a poo about shows up in my dreams cheating on me and abandoning. 8 years he has tormented. I’m still in his jail. If I find out someone is out there doing this to me to hurt me, the hounds of hell are coming unless you stop. You have time to repent. But I won’t forget what you have done to us. Whoever is programming that shit into my head I’m sicking Tarantino’s dogs on your Nazi ass.

So I end up on a train to south seattle. I had no money. They just let me on. I almost felt another me inside saying someone is controlling you and wake up from this la la happy day. I end up of some gravel path without shoes mind you and no purse. I see security guard from boeing and say “I don’t know how I got here.” He ask if I needed help and I said please. Then 4 cops showed up with their hands on their guns and I though, “this is it. I am in a conspiracy and they got me here and they are going to kill me. I thought I was going to lose my bowels and bend down on grass under tree to go to bathroom. Their report I saw, “said I tried to expose myself to them.” Fuckers. inside of my waking nightmares I believe they did kill me sometimes but I’m here maybe like cylons they put me in another body. 😀 I know that sounds crazy but as a writer you try to deal with PTSD by making up stories about everything so you brain does not explode.

At ER I told them about how I am having withdrawal from meds which can take sometimes years. I was kind. I walked around the ward. I got water. Went to bathroom. I was still having panic attack and kept asking if someone could give me some relief with clonazapam. As they always do, they make you wait and just watch you. They do nothing. No one holds your hand. Talks to you. Finally it was dark and they gave me a pill. I must have feel asleep

This is my near death experience:

Like I mentioned above. So many people report NDE’s to be the most life changing and  joyous. I believe in them. My need to throw a pity party, I’ve seen so much why me? My NDE was horrific. . So many people have pleasant experiences and I am sure glad for that. While I was sleeping I had been mysteriously been put in 4 point restraints while I was asleep in an ER. I woke up in a room with no ability to see anyone. There were curtains over the sliding glass room doors. I wanted to know what was happening and I screamed and I pleased and no one would answer my calls. My voice became monstrous! I was the “observer” so to speak. I was out of myself looking at myself. The lack of breath became more intense.. I was losing control of controlling myself. I had suicidal ideation for years, so why not now? How low can you get huh?

Something seemed to channel into my head “You tell them they are all going to die. An asteroid is coming.” Oddly, although what it was saying was horrific it felt it was there to help me some to at lease scare shit out of them Why not?. I didn’t understand what was going on. After 3 minutes of this you start to lose consciousness due to lack of breath. I scream, “you’re all going to die for what you are doing to me! An asteroid is going to kill you!!!”

Oddly 5 Months Later

The Chelyabinsk meteor was a superbolide that entered Earth’s atmosphere over Russia on 15 February 2013 at about 09:20 YEKT (03:20 UTC). It was caused by an approximately 20 m (66 ft) near-Earth asteroid with a speed of 19.16 ± 0.15 kilometres per second (60,000–69,000 km/h or 40,000–42,900 mph).

Believe me I got no comfort from this.

Maybe God does have warnings and wraths of his own.

It got so bad that I decided to die and held my breath to stop my heart to see if God was watching. I saw on the other side of the door in my mind’s eye all the nurses and doctors who had tied me down. They were all paralyzed. they were conscious but could not move except for their eyes. It was their punishment for trying to kill me. But then I saw the whole innocent world in purgatory. All frozen. Paralyzed state. Even babies. It was …………………….. I lost consciousness.

I woke up and a nurse came in and said nothing to me and released the restraints. Like nothing had ever happened. I was hallucinating by this point as I woke up and felt the presence of people with guns on other side of the door forcing them to release me. This happened in Seattle in 2012. They gave me my clothes. I had no shoes when i came in and no purse and they didn’t care, they just let me go by myself way back into town. I to this day do not know how I got home. The point is what are bad NDE’s. What is the spiritual implication? During mine I felt gravity double like I was falling into a singularity. On the good side haven’t tried to die lately, but I do have astral projections but rarely. They are very good but another post perhaps. Let’s just say I’ve meet some pretty enlightened beings that look pretty much like us but vibrate slightly higher. Thanks for reading this and thanks for the topic.

And to whoever is always watching what I do I want you to remember the horrors I’ve put been put through. So to continue to give me tiny daytime gas lighting and disrespect and making me go through your games and your tests while you treat ME LIKE NOTHING.

I hope that NDE doesn’t mean I’m meant for living purgatory. Please I pray to not live like this anymore.

Thank God for family. Friends. Jesus and my James. I know you are watching over me.

If people keep kicking me, I’m going to bite back. Maybe sometime is watching you too. What is the content of your character. Do you care what I live with and what I can not forget.

I forgive but I never forget.

I love you James for helping me write this without shaking or getting upset. This is for you to end on a love note. xo

 

Loud Speaker Lullabies

Doh!

What does this animation have to do with what I’m about to say? 

Nothing.

I’m in a really good space right now.

Why?

I was just in the best psychiatric care unit I’ve ever been in my life. It was Indiana University at Methodist Hospital. The place I was born ironically. I had to go because I was having heart palpitation and was not sleeping.

So there are many nightmarish posts in this blog because past experiences in psych wards and staff and psychiatrists and medicine were all scary haunted house experimental guinea pig in and paid for a ticket kind of experiences that let’s just not “keep telling out sad stories.”

The first thing that I noticed while waiting for a room upstairs was a lullaby over the loud speakers. I ask the ind nurse what that tune meant. She said it was a baby being born.

Was I being reborn. I had a feeling of death. Like your so tired you think you faint but you don’t but you can’t sleep. IT’s scary. They believed me when I said.

I hear things.

I feel more than I hear.

My right temporal lobe turns on sometimes & I feel you?

Beings touch me and heal me.

I have telepathy with some people.

I have a parallel universe relationship with a man I have never met.

I have prophetic dreams.

I feel people staring at me.

I can talk to dogs and cats.

I feel like I am in a movie but everyone knows it but me.

I think Jesus is here or I am Jesus but I don’t really want to be more like Jesus had kids related.

I have astral traveled. I was adjusted by aliens that looked like us.

Sometimes I have three heat beats. One is James, One is me and sometimes one is Eddie.

Or shall I say, Edward James Almost?

I’m not sure of these things at all because I can’t prove it quite 100% unless the others feel the same way. I am a scientist and that’s how i roll. I’m not crazy. Just open.

I got scared people didn’t lie me or my Quantum Entangled twin could be upset and the man next door is trying to torment is one reason why I was not sleeping,  hospital. No police would help me. They are kicking me out and I am happy to go. I want only good things for m now

The hospital let me say these things without making me feel bad .No comments about giving me meds for my imagination. 🙂 hmmh?

They had art. The doctor listened to what meds did not work and what did, she gave them to me. There was a nurse outside my door at night. I felt loved. heard and healed. I can’t tell you how much I loved my psychiatrists. ME!? Really.

She was like a Mother figure. They even let me talk to a priest about the things i feel and how to understand God.

One night they let me look at this blog, my blog on a huge ass tv. I mean big. It blew my mind. Look at what I have done? I was so proud. A nurse came by and ask what I was doing and I showed her a video of you. Then I watched a  few scenes from SC & RnR.

She loves that song. She wrote the site down and seemed interested. No psych nurse ever ask to see my art. I just sat there not wanting to write but to star at the colors the

décoration d'art

the way it looked, it looked like something that should be a film.

Then i said goodbye to friends and my family picked me up! My family!? We went to the head shop first thing. My 73 year old Mother looking at glass pipes and bongs. It was awesome. They told me to lunch and shopping for food which I didn’t have.

I’m on meds I can stand, I will just testify at how great

LITHIUM is….

At low does of course and a benzo. That’s all I ever really needed was those anti anxiety as needed when things spin faster in my head and heart I can stand. And if by any chance you are feeling the same thing darling…I”m happy to go for you too.

Thank you for everything IU Methodist C8 ward. God Bless you all.

And thank you for being there every night and when I would get scared you would go away.

And thank you Universe for being birthed there. and fro that star chaser and for being born again in the same place.

Doh!

 

 

A Soul Mate’s Secret Knock

Today was a wonderful day compared to the entry a few days ago while on medication. I felt like I could feel nothing.

“He” was not there.

“God” was not there.

“Creativity” was not there.

and I was out of medical marijuana and without that for depression I am lost to the wind.

I did stop the anti psychotics 24 hours ago. My body swelling has gone down and my mind is sharper. I am however still experiencing blurred vision. I managed to write a rage piece in this blog which for me was really good since writing has bee very hard for me for a long time. I have been censoring some feelings. I feel freer to express those now without shame thanks to a friend.

The story was about being in hospital and it purged the anger of why it happened again to me.  Since I stopped the medication the night before, my mind had ideas, I could think and I found a bit of weed to help it along. It was fueled by sheer outrage that it keeps happening to me.

I will never take dangerous anti psychotics again.

under God’s protection, this I swear for my own health and well being.

but hey God,

dude,

Sir,

Like you gotta help me with this other problem and you know what it is I speak about. This blog is bleeding with it.  How about feeding my heart now. I’ve had enough of darkness ya know? Stuff, where like, I have to keep reliving the same crap and you promise me love and Prince Charming if I do these things then I find him in mysterious was and we can talk in weird ways and you promise and promise but nothing happens. Where do I go from here?

Where do my “boys” come into this tale? This blog is a juxtaposition of two worlds. The reality of dealing with a mental illness and a label and trying to understand Quantum Physics when you are a C student so you can find your soul mate you’ve been looking for for 52 years because you can blame it on Disney movies.

I don’t want to go to bed. I want him in my head.

Is he busy?

Does he not really love me?

He said it was fine to write it all out without guilt, so where do I go from here. Where ever does he go when he goes away? Or do I go away and forget and he is always here and it is just logistics that cause problems like time zones and sleep etc..etc…

He never says he can hear me in writing though? hmmmm? I wonder why. Do you know? I have run my own rational science experiments on this situation in three years and some results have been astounding. I’m not going to broadcast that on Twitter, but still. I like him, but God, what gives. Is this your doing? Like when my ears change and then I think of him and I smile and then my right ear goes off and it starts talking to me in pulses. Sounds crazy to reader it’s normal to me. That’s how it started. We have progressed to a much deeper less primitive communication that often I misread. There is always the fall back to that when I cry or when he interrupts me reading or doing things he is proud of me doing.

I’d call it my

“soul mate’s secret knock“

🙂

I confess in a message to him basically from my heart which was from You and poured my sheer truth out and still although so kind, he never said a word about the other dimension he dwells in with me. So do I dwell there alone? God, am I crazy or just misguided? I think this must be some kind of silly gag I agreed on before I was born. Ha ha.

Am I doing something wrong?

Have I convinced myself of something that is not there?

I just heard him say

(“write: should I write this journal entry in my blog as part of my story and real life happy struggles?”)

I guess it’s fear that it’s not happening and I’m foolish or perhaps I have the wrong man associated with a wonderful feeling. Maybe it’s two taking care of me in two different ways. My body vibrates three different ways at times when I’m feeling good. (just now a pressure change in my ears which he is thinking of me or getting closer)

I don’t know anything really about Quantum Entanglement, I just throw the term around because I dig the way it sounds. But if atoms can entangle why can’t souls before birth? Just wondering.

Have I wished this? what ever “this” is into existence?

Are we spirals affecting the environment?

One might say

“Yes Darling, every single spiraling word…”

I’m not suppose to tell you this, but the gentleman I refer to here is James Callis.

Standing Inside Emery Blagdon’s Healing Machine

Dear Emery,

Today, as almost everyday, I woke up to great psychic pain, depression, hopelessness of the feeling of impending doom. I did not know what to do with myself. There are no forests to walk through. There is no family that comes calling. There are only haunted thoughts of the illness of depression and mistreatment by psychiatrists for ten years. My brain feels like it has been hypnotized into believing I’m insane. The drugs I took for over a decade have damaged me in ways that I can’t describe. A nightmare of the heart and mind because there is no where to go now to seek help from the horrors, the trauma and the abandonment of family and friends. It seems that sleep is the only escape. Upon awakening, my heart begins to beat fast, I feel as if I’m going to die, because each day in this lifeless home I live, feels like repeat of the day before. I have been praying to God to show me the way, every moment. I can’t write anymore because all that comes out is sick and sad thoughts.

I forced myself out of my bed, the only place of comfort and paced around this dingy apartment that has an evil smell I can’t seem to remove. The fragrance of loneliness, lost of peace, loss of creativity and hope that my life will always be this way. Alone and in poverty with no real family to bring chicken soup. The feeling of the voice of God said to turn on TV. I watched a preacher I like talk about how my brain is a super computer and that the pain I feel is a virus that has been put there by a less than happy upbringing, true love that never came, losing everything I loved because of a bad pill a doctor forced upon me..all these things the preacher said can be deleted. Just push the delete button. Let no one tell you that you are worthless. Let no one tell you that you can never heal. Delete these thoughts. Delete. Delete. Delete. But it left me a bit cold. How does on delete past trauma. Has does one delete the moment when my grandson’s mother took my grandchild away because of the stigma of mental illness. I can’t delete the love I got  from that baby that I took such great care of? The preachers message was helpful, but does not change that no one calls me.  No one cares about my psychic pain and that the city I once lived in that offered me Orcas and tress and festivals, has also been  poisoned by institutions and abuse.

I lay on my couch, in the dead fragrance of the room that no incense nor sage will take away. What do  I do now? It’s Saturday. Many people are out enjoying the summer. I can’t. The heat is too much to bear and I can’t breath in this mid western weather, nor is there any art at all  to look at. I see myself in the mirror and there is art there. The portrait of a flower that is slowly losing it’s petals. The image of a ghost of a woman I once was. The bright talented woman who tried everything she could to get out of this dead end town, only to end up back here for what seems a long and lonely death. Something has stripped me of all my tools. My only friends are imaginary now. I feel like I’m aging backwards. But my body is disintegrating.

By sheer will to watch empowering stories, I recorded a program on PBS about your healing machine. Something in my heart, that loved me said, “watch this program.” Something inside, something loving, made me turn to the program about you and your healing machine. I held my body pillow with a child’s pillowcase on it, embroidered with the words “sweet dreams.” The moment the tale of your life began to unfold, I felt you were an angel sent from God. You suffered great pain in your life. Losing all those you love to cancer. You became an anomaly. You endured your loneliness and non normal ways by building this incredible machine in your barn. You found things that no one else wanted, like old TV’s, wires, appliances. Anything that was not wanted anymore. I feel a connection to you as I believe inanimate objects have feelings too.

What was most amazing was that you had cancer for ten years. You refused to see a doctor as they never helped your  family. You didn’t bath. You lived unconventionally and with great purpose as you built this amazing machine with lights and metals and elements. Even using discarded containers from your pharmacist friend. I found that very poignant being that pharmacies nowadays can vend poison to people. You never cared if you were unwashed. You never cared what the townsfolk thought of you. You had your healing machine. People would come and feel the magnetic energy in the great work of art that no one had ever dreamed of. Beautiful rainbows of lights reflecting off all kinds of metals, even old pull tabs from soda cans. You incorporated beads from my childhood, colored sand, and works of art that you stacked upon one another as a kind of battery for the machine. The people who loved you could feel the cool air raising from the Earth under the machine even though it was very hot outside. There was something true and mystical coming from you that made the healing that was coming from the machine.

You died of cancer in 1986, leaving no will for what you had left. You true friend, the pharmacist, went to bid on your machine and he saved it. Thank God for that man, because now it resides in a gallery and has been lovingly preserved for the world to see. The art community came in droves to witness your genius. Your invention to cure your own psychic and physical pain. How wonderful for the world to have left such a piece of outsider art for like minded souls to gaze upon. But how sad to me that you never lived to see what that machine means to many now. I knew I Ioved it when I saw you had used the old fashioned Christmas lights that I remembered shone hot on extremely fragrant Christmas trees as a child.

Today Mr. Blagdon, you are a new hero to me and even though I can’t stand under or witness your art in person, the reflection of your alternative and quite radical machine and views of healing, will stay with me forever. Thank you for leaving behind something so odd, so strange that it can’t be ignored. And thank you for taking all the unwanted things,like wires and lights and junk and color and turning them into etherial art. The thought of you heals me today. I was sad when the program was over, as the only thing to do was to write about it. Much better to write of your gifts than to constantly have to tell my own stories of pain. If my apartment were big enough, I would start my own, as my Father was an electrician and maybe could provide a psychic blue print of my own healing machine.

I always wondered why I would pick up trash and sticks from the yard as a child. Now I know, they have energy to give and nothing has to be wasted. If someone, like a psychiatrist would see me build this unbelievable work of art, today I would be hospitalized. Thank God, you didn’t live in that time where someone could come take you away for being unique. Maybe someday I will get to see your machine. Until then, I will keep the half broken strings of lights in my bedroom window to remind me of you.

OMG! Moment…

Later in the night after I wrote this while speaking to an angel friend,  those half broken Christmas lights popped back on!

Emery, you must be a very funny angel! xo

God bless you Emery Blagdon.

Now this essay is over, and I’m sad it is because I need friends like you.

xo