The Overuse of The Word ‘Manic’

Releasing and renewing my commitment to keep those that would put me down far away from me.

This is a letter to my therapist and continues to prove that the business of treating mental illness is flawed. Still looking for professional who understands me.

Dear 28 year old therapist just out of school.

After we got off our last session I was depressed and deflated. It was something you said.

I know you don’t know much about me but one thing you should know is I have always been a writer. It’s what I do well. When you were talking about grounding myself I should have said writing was one of the most important ways to do just that.

I don’t write much anymore and it’s been my goal to get back to doing that. When I told you I use to write for hours, your first response was “that could be a sign of mania.” ????? How incredibly wrong you were. Do you think successful screenwriters and novelists, like Stephen King, are manic? They write. They write all the time. Sadly I feel you see me as a diagnoses. That’s what you were trained to do. By saying writing a lot could be a sign of illness cut me to the core.

I realize you are young and just out in the working world, but I don’t think we mesh. I’m 58 years old. I have had experiences that you have not. That’s not wrong. I believe I need an alternative therapist who deals with spiritual world.

We also spent time analyzing something that brings joy to my life. Why would I pay someone to take the good things in my life you may not understand and turn them into a problem? You also talked about adjusting my meds based on this. I was horrified. I wanted to talk about my night terrors, my regrets and my ptsd.

My spiritual life is off limits. My beliefs are my own.

I want a therapist that does not talk about my medication or one who tries to change my medication. I’ve got a psychiatrist for this. I am looking for someone that does dream work, spiritual support and therapy.

You are a very nice person and I was happy to meet you, however I don’t think we mesh. You took something that is precious to me and turned it into illness. That was a deal breaker.

Six Degrees of Eddie Vedder

• 

  This photo has not been manipulated in any way.

I mentioned people believing in the big bang but nothing extraordinary in between.

I do.

My dreams are reoccurring about two famous people. One being Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam. In 1993 in London, I was vacationing with my family. I had my baby son with me. I went to bed stressed one night as my Mother and I got into or should I say she verbally attacked me for something I had no part of. they say crisis can open channels during dreams. I’m not sure what that meant, anyway, I Went to bed and had this LUCID dream of Eddie Vedder in a bar. Someone was harassing him. The police came and took him away. I wondered why it felt so intense when I woke up. I was in the upper corner of the bar watching the dream happen. Astral projection perhaps?

It woke up something and I started following their music because the dream felt like a message dream. Cut to 2 months later I’m in the car with my husband reading a People Magazine and suddenly  see an article that Ed had been arrested in New Orleans for spitting on a bartender. It happened the week I had been in London. So did I see it live in my sleep? Did I dream it the day before it happened? I’m not sure. I was blown away by the blissful feeling like why am I connected to this man I don’t know? My Grandmother gave me the magazine randomly. What if she had never given me the mag? But she did. The dream never left me so when I read about the incident two months later, I was blown away. I told my husband what I just read and about the dream and his response was. Oh. (nothing) That’s ok. IT’s my own trip.

Since then, this was in 93, I’ve kept a dream journal for decades. I proceeded over the next 20 years to have lucid dreams of Eddie Vedder. I keep them all written down because even if the dream was 15 years ago, when I re read it, I can remember how it made me feel. Every dam one of the dreams was about him protecting me like a father. All angelic.
To close, much later on I lived in his neighborhood by chance…..the synchronicities with him got even bigger when that happened.

But that’s another story.

A Most Extraordinary Multi Dimensional Dream Occurrence Just Happened

I’ve been journaling my most wonderful lucid dreams since 1993. I know dreams.

I know what lucid dreams are.

I know what nightmares are.

I know what astral travel is.

Believe me when I say I know the difference, but what just happened has NEVER happened to me.

I’ve come to the conclusion after consulting several mediums over the decades that I have a special gift I was afraid to use. I believed them, but never really believed them. Which is why they often said “the teacher will appear when the student is ready.”

I never told any Doctor about these experiences because I know what I would get and it would not be good.

In last few years I’ve had many bad dreams. I pray before I sleep. I put protection around me. I’ve heard the baby voice of my Granddaughter before she was born. All these things are no surprise anymore. One thing that has happened occasionally has been very frightening. Something or someone pulls my light down comforter off me while I sleep. It always woke me and up frightened me to no end. My comforter was still there. I always assumed it was something evil maybe or maybe not. As time went on, I felt, maybe it’s some energy that needed my attention. I’ve never liked it. The way I tried to stop it was to put my Grandmother’s hand stitched quilt over my comforter before sleep. It made it heavier. It never happened when I did this.

Last night I did not put her quilt on.

About an hour ago as I write this at 6:30 am, the most extraordinary multi dimensional occurrence happened.

At 3am I heard a doorbell go off. It woke me from sleep. It was not mine because I have a chime doorbell. It scared me a bit. I got up and got a drink of water and back to bed. Now I realize that bell was heralding an event that was soon to happen.

About a 1/2 ago, I was sleeping on my left side. Suddenly the covers were pulled off slowly but more in a precocious way. I did not wake up but I was scared. I didn’t turn over but for first time, I bravely reached back behind me. I found the legs of a tiny girl. I was not awake but I was not dreaming. I could touch her legs. The room was dark as I was still in my bed. I tried to move my mouth to tell the little girl I was frightened. No sound would come out.

I realized afterwards she was communicating with me telepathically. She played on my bed and ask me to come with her. I could not really see her face but she was sweet. I kept saying I was scared. She was nearly 4. She wanted me to pick her up so I knew she was not a bad thing. I did. She weighed only 5 pounds. We jumped off my bed and in telepathic thought she said, “come with me!” I was really not in control of my body and things were moving so fast that I had no time to wake myself up.

Suddenly I was in my apartment but not my apartment in a parallel dimension. There were two women there getting breakfast ready. The kitchen was beautiful. A futuristic counter top with a shiny green cook top stood out. The colors were intense!

I cowered in the corner and tried to talk again. I still could not get words out. They acknowledged that they knew I was frightened and put me at ease by going about their morning routing. Cooking breakfast. The little girl wanted to play. They laughed and said she is such a little silly thing.

I was back in my bed before I knew it without anytime to realize what just happened. I fell back asleep again. I don’t know how much time passed, but again here goes my comforter again. Pulled back slowly and I thought “Oh good God, what in the world is this?”

“Come play again!” She thought to me. “I’m still confused and scared” I thought to her. This time we talked about stuff on my bed but did not talk. I did ask her for her name to try to help myself through this. She thought it to me, but I can’t remember now. I believe it started with an S. She coxed me out of bed again and we entered into another house which was mine but not mine. This time there were several beds in the place and it seemed like a bunch of young guys lived there. I ask her where we were. She said the dimensions were 64th & College. I use to live there a long time ago but it was not the place I remembered. I met her Mother again but in another way.

Then I drifted back to the darkness of my own room. I was already awake. I lay there for several minutes trying to understand what just happened. I even text my sister since she loves this kind of stuff. I finally found out who the little sprite was that had been pulling my covers off for years. She was getting me ready for this experience.

I am absolutely 100% convinced this was travel to another dimension. No doubts whatsoever. I have astral projected in past without trying and met beings up above who looked like us and who helped me when I was very ill in my mind.

This was not that.

I know it’s unbelievable and sounds crazy but if this happened to you, you would be as stunned and overwhelmed and delighted as I am. I have been having Earthly nightmares for so long, that I think that was preparing me to recognize something I had never known.

I’m listening to Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s The Nutcracker as I type this. This music is my go to calm down magic potion to handle the BIG BIG things my body mind and heart goes through. I can say this was one of the most extraordinary occurrences I’ve ever experienced. There are parallel dimensions and other worlds. There is no doubt in my mind. None.

If there is one person to take you to a place that could make you rethink reality, it is a child.

Gosh I hope she comes back.

Thank you Jesus for making me into a psycho-naught.

Not the end. The beginning.

Real time update:

At 5:30 pm about 12 hours since the experience an old friend named Jen just called. That long time college friend that you have talked about synchronicity and spirituality until your blue in your face. We have been weaned on Deepak Chopra. We can say the wackiest things to each other and both totally get it. If someone like the CIA was listening into our call, they would have said..

Those bitches be cray cray.

She asked what had happened because she didn’t get to this post but saw I had put it up. I proceeded to tell her exactly what I wrote above. I mentioned that I ask the little girl what were the “coordinates” of where we were. She had said “64th & College.” My old apartment building with a Jiffy Lube next door.

My friend gasped and then laughed. Guess where I am? I’m at 64th and College!!

What are the odds? Honestly?

We sat on phone quiet and said, “something is happening.” Do you feel it?

I said yes, like a polar shift or gravitation energy and Jesus coming back.  🙂

I spoke to another friend today for an hour who also said something is shifting. We talked about woo woo. The only word to describe the stuff with no words. She said “you are the only person I know who will talk about this stuff.”

We ain’t crazy. We are enlightened women in our middle age whose been waiting for the spiritual changes we’ve know about for two decades. A good shift.

The Age Of Aquarius is finally coming to age.

Yes. I admit I love woo woo stuff. I feed off it.

Back story. Remember the last 7 years I’ve been plagued by nightmares and bad sleep. I’ve also complained of a bad mattress, but mostly I just wanted God or whatever to stop my nightmares. (Which I have not had in days which is not normal) With that…….

Jen gasped again and stated “omg Deb, there is billboard across the street. I have to take a picture.”

To add to the woo woo, she said “look at the address.” It’s Mitch’s apartment. It was the address next door to her ex husband who was texting me when we were on the phone.

Whhaaat?

Yes I can say last night I traveled first class. 

Without me explaining the tri fold synchronicity I would say this is 5th dimension synchronicity…. that doubled upon itself with the help of another enlightened one. Can anyone see the like a multi dimensional time travel coincidence that is not a coincidence with a punch line on the in this?

See if you can feel what I’m talking about.

If you can’t then, oh well.

Go try to meditate. 😀

I’ll sign off here as “What’s the Frequency Kenneth” begins to play.

Aquarius to Nasa: Shutting down for night.

Reconnecting Social Receptors Is Confusing

 

I need a repairman. Not a Psychiatrist. An electrical engineer who works on brains.

It’s funny what causes me anxiety. My life is dominated by no purposeful events on a daily basis. Most days when I wake up I panic because there is nothing to do that day and no one to do it with. I’m always the girl on the outside of everyone doing things. Watching while others are in tribe. It’s like that painting my Renoir. I feel like the girl with glass of water. And I didn’t get that idea from a film.

Most mornings it’s hard enough to come down from the panic I have when my eyes open because of the dreams I have a night. Dreams of love that left me. Men who were in my life but gone, off living better without me. The Lithium is helping me by not letting me go manic angry on God, but in some ways, it makes me kinda not care about anything or really enjoy anything except when I’m getting love from my Grandson. Otherwise, I’m walking around smiling when I just feel separate from everyone on Earth. I don’t know how to take normal life sometimes because of the trauma. I guess love is all I need but they don’t put that in a pill.

I spoke to a really hopeless man I met on the Icarus Project yesterday. His story was miserable and his outlook on things getting better was non existent. I could see why. It did seem hopeless and the despair he felt the most was where did his life go? What happened to the man who had it all together and handled things with confidence. Now he’s alone in a scary place with people he does not know. He has not alone time, yet he is so lonely for love. I didn’t want to be one of those positive all the time people because he frankly didn’t want to hear it. I instead just told him I feel the same way. Where does love go when one has mental illness? Why do many of us get abandoned by the ones we love and sometimes that is family. I just wanted to reach through the computer and hug him. It made me really down. We are just random occurrences in the Universe controlled by  a meat bag with a grey computer that eventually quits. Maybe there is a force in the Universe that picks up our energy when we pass, giving us to a chance to re-imagine a life where everyone we lost and everything we suffered goes away and we dwell on a holographic plane of some kind, who knows?

Because I have so little money every month to live on disability and getting a job has been a nightmare, I rarely do anything extravagant like inviting someone over for a get together. I have two friends left in life that live nearby. One has recently become ill and has hardly left her house for two months, which angers me as I watch a person with Bi Polar who has weight struggles who use to be very strong, submit to a mysterious ailment that keeps her in a chair all day. I feel for her but it scares me to death. That could be me. I already sit around most days restless to go somewhere, the thought of an illness putting me out, without a partner to to help, she has one, sounds terrifying to me. But despite my limitations I decided to throw a get together for my old college buddy, the last friend I have in town.

I knew it would be good to have a few of her friends over. Even though I may go a bit broke buying things for party, I know I need it. But what is strange is today I want to be weepy. I’m perplexed by what’s not happening in my brain. I am actually nervous and overwhelmed now. Why can’t anything make me happy? I think because in my life I use to be such a social butterfly and had a partner and friends and did festivals and concerts and parties, that since I have been single and in this town, those receptors in my brain are no longer attached. They have lost their long tern connections due to isolation and depression. It’s like they need to be reattached to feel excited about having a few friends over. I’m worried they will think I’m poor. Isn’t that horrible. Will I have enough food? Where will they sit since I don’t have a sofa. Will they be bored and leave early. What will happen when they leave and I have a good time and then I’m alone again for days with nothing coming up. All or nothing.

I know that negative thoughts wire your brain in a way you don’t want, but loneliness and wanting love is a connection I can’t un connect unless a miracle comes along in the form of love.

Last night I was speaking to a friend on the phone. He calls every night and often calls again before I go to bed so I don’t get scared to go asleep alone. I have never met him. There is a mystery behind this man that I have mentioned in this blog but as today, he’s just this guy from Massachusetts who seems to care about me and sometimes tells me he loves me. I have ask him as I have before, please come see me. Please end this mystery I was told by a third party and be you. Please be the man who has been there for me since 06 and God, if you can even exist make him the one so I can’t stop making up love stories in my head about men that will never come.

I guess if he were to come, I would be really very anxious as I don’t know how to be with a man anymore. Everything makes me cry. Even though there are a going to be other souls in my lonely apartment tonight, that black hole of “God I can’t bare going to bed without someone spooning me at night.” will be in my pocket saying, “as soon as they leave, you are alone again, ….naturally.”

I guess it’s just the sadness of how mental illness can age us earlier than we should. I don’t think I’m going to see any new posts on here that have hope until the Universe provides light to fill up that black hole and reattach all the healthy receptors in my brain when I was, well happy.

I’ll try to remember this and I’ll watch it through mixed tears.

 

 

 

 

Everything You Imagine Needant Be Stuck In Your Mind

I think maybe I don’t know this is partially about me.

You don’t really want me to say that something programmed me to think she is partially mine?

I guess that’s not stuck anymore.

No need to thank me.

I give willingly.

🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝

When will someone tell me who Seth Price really is?

And what was the drug I took that made me forget I agreed to all of this?

and

Where’s my check?

🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝

 

Loud Speaker Lullabies

Doh!

What does this animation have to do with what I’m about to say? 

Nothing.

I’m in a really good space right now.

Why?

I was just in the best psychiatric care unit I’ve ever been in my life. It was Indiana University at Methodist Hospital. The place I was born ironically. I had to go because I was having heart palpitation and was not sleeping.

So there are many nightmarish posts in this blog because past experiences in psych wards and staff and psychiatrists and medicine were all scary haunted house experimental guinea pig in and paid for a ticket kind of experiences that let’s just not “keep telling out sad stories.”

The first thing that I noticed while waiting for a room upstairs was a lullaby over the loud speakers. I ask the ind nurse what that tune meant. She said it was a baby being born.

Was I being reborn. I had a feeling of death. Like your so tired you think you faint but you don’t but you can’t sleep. IT’s scary. They believed me when I said.

I hear things.

I feel more than I hear.

My right temporal lobe turns on sometimes & I feel you?

Beings touch me and heal me.

I have telepathy with some people.

I have a parallel universe relationship with a man I have never met.

I have prophetic dreams.

I feel people staring at me.

I can talk to dogs and cats.

I feel like I am in a movie but everyone knows it but me.

I think Jesus is here or I am Jesus but I don’t really want to be more like Jesus had kids related.

I have astral traveled. I was adjusted by aliens that looked like us.

Sometimes I have three heat beats. One is James, One is me and sometimes one is Eddie.

Or shall I say, Edward James Almost?

I’m not sure of these things at all because I can’t prove it quite 100% unless the others feel the same way. I am a scientist and that’s how i roll. I’m not crazy. Just open.

I got scared people didn’t lie me or my Quantum Entangled twin could be upset and the man next door is trying to torment is one reason why I was not sleeping,  hospital. No police would help me. They are kicking me out and I am happy to go. I want only good things for m now

The hospital let me say these things without making me feel bad .No comments about giving me meds for my imagination. 🙂 hmmh?

They had art. The doctor listened to what meds did not work and what did, she gave them to me. There was a nurse outside my door at night. I felt loved. heard and healed. I can’t tell you how much I loved my psychiatrists. ME!? Really.

She was like a Mother figure. They even let me talk to a priest about the things i feel and how to understand God.

One night they let me look at this blog, my blog on a huge ass tv. I mean big. It blew my mind. Look at what I have done? I was so proud. A nurse came by and ask what I was doing and I showed her a video of you. Then I watched a  few scenes from SC & RnR.

She loves that song. She wrote the site down and seemed interested. No psych nurse ever ask to see my art. I just sat there not wanting to write but to star at the colors the

décoration d'art

the way it looked, it looked like something that should be a film.

Then i said goodbye to friends and my family picked me up! My family!? We went to the head shop first thing. My 73 year old Mother looking at glass pipes and bongs. It was awesome. They told me to lunch and shopping for food which I didn’t have.

I’m on meds I can stand, I will just testify at how great

LITHIUM is….

At low does of course and a benzo. That’s all I ever really needed was those anti anxiety as needed when things spin faster in my head and heart I can stand. And if by any chance you are feeling the same thing darling…I”m happy to go for you too.

Thank you for everything IU Methodist C8 ward. God Bless you all.

And thank you for being there every night and when I would get scared you would go away.

And thank you Universe for being birthed there. and fro that star chaser and for being born again in the same place.

Doh!

 

 

That Dam Dream Door Bell Won’t Stop Ringing

and this one time…

Dam you subconscious.

All these men I know keep showing up in my dreams, uninvited.

Men I’ve never met who are often well known and/or whom I never think about during the day unless I start dreaming about them and then, I can’t stop thinking about them! This has happened to me since I was a child…but that’s another story.

For a long long time, it was the same guy. Eddie Vedder. He knocked on my dream door while dreaming in London in ’93 and relentlessly, made a couple of  lucid

(weird horn sound like there is a ship coming into port in the parking garage in the building next door?)

Violet Beauregard

“Wonka! What is this? The film “Event Horizon?!”

appearances a year til about 2012 when he stopped showing up because some “new guy” was there. …but that’s another story.

Sometimes my night time visitors are men I have known, but on a purely platonic basis. There I am sleeping, minding my own dam business and for fucks sake, suddenly,  I wake up in my dream and there is this friend trying to woo me.

and that’s pretty dam easy since I have been celibate for 4 years! but that’s another story…

I’m usually confused and overtaken and before I know it, and then….”off he goes.”

One night Deepak Chopra showed up.

That was awkward.

He said it was for spiritual purposes. …but that’s another story.

Oh God…(eye roll)

(stop kissing me on the lips while I write this James! This is about someone else) hmmm-which is why he probably is kissing me it’s not about him. Oh wait. Now it is…shit!

Where was I?

(dam! I’m in the balcony at the Richmond Theater?!) Dam you BAFTA Celebrating Downton Abbey Dammit Liz Trubridge!

Oh…

My sweet Dutch friend whom I let go of long ago, showed up in my dreams last night.

Stop!

(Bart he won’t leave me alone while I try to reminisce about you or maybe it’s some weird spirit guide that gets off on doing impressions of Sci Fi actors. Waaa.

Jesus!? He keeps kissing me!

and he never speaks to me. Who is this doppleganger?

ok, I’m not rereading the rest of this entry because it’s pointless.

I don’t remember if I was talking to my subconscious or to Bart. That kiss has me distracted.

In that dream, it was just an embrace. Yet it reminded me of the last time, before he flew away across the sea 4 years ago. I could smell your shampoo and the texture of your red jumper.

I don’t understand what you are trying tell me Mr. Subconscious. It’s not like I don’t speak t him almost daily. It’s a known that we have moved on and we know we can never recreate that magic that started in 2010 that eventually faded into reality. I am so grateful for the journey with him. Being around him, made me feel ageless. Being around him made me feel unconditionally loved.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be mad about these dreams I don’t ask for. Maybe I can change my perspective when I wake up from a dream where someone is loving me again because it’s atrial fibrillation on my sad lonely heart. To remember happiness so I know my waking self can still feel it and achieve it.

Oh how I loved taking care of him when I could. I hope I made a difference in his life. I hope he always knows how magical wooing was. I will never ever forget it.

but I can’t help the tears upon waking wishing I could touch what I just felt so deeply.

Sadness is so beautiful sometimes.

Like Anthony and The Johnsons.

It is better than an imaginary love. So much better because you don’t have imagine holding them.

So I guess I’m not mad at the thoughts I think when I’m asleep. I’m just made at physics because you can’t hug a dream back. But I can remember the feel of his red sweater and the smell of his hair.

For the the first time in my life perhaps, I am proud of my unconditional love for him even as  he speaks with other women and hopefully someday find a woman that suits him. Someone his age.

Because he deserves to have that for his whole life, not just the part until I pass on.

I hope this makes you feel as snug as a bug in a rug.

Darling, you said you weren’t going to re read this?

Yea right.

…But I didn’t perform any copy editing.