I’m paraphrasing and stealing a line from the movie “Singles.” On meeting a wonderful woman, a man says
“If I had a conversation with God, I would ask him to create this woman.”
Obviously he had some across a woman that he had dreamt of all his life whom he didn’t know if she actually existed.
Love at first sight.
What does that mean. I’d guess it’s too intimate to understand because it comes from a place deep down inside you. Yes you can see a handsome man or someone whose energy you feel attracted to. Of course the brain is the biggest sex organ. It would then follow that if you care about intellectual intercourse it would be hard at first sight to really call it love. But if you talked to the man and everything that came out of his mouth made your skin and thoughts get goose bumps.
I’m over 55 so I have enough wisdom to know what I liked in my past relationships or what I diffidently did not want. Even those that weren’t really for me, taught me things about myself. It was love at first sight with my ex husband. For him as well. He looked like Sting. After being married at 26 to a very kind and European man I got use to kind and calmness. A man who made me laugh and whose family were very fun to be around. Sadly, I was not prepared to be married really. I had not gone away to college. My parents were very nervous sending their virgin daughter down to Indiana University in Bloomington. Back then I was not happy about it be at my age, I realize it would have been kinda a party orgies environment and I was not that person.
I was saving myself. I did until I met my future husband. I knew then he was for me. I got sick later and being married to me was hard but in the end I left and thank God for him because he needed someone stable. Not an emotional wreck. I had bad anxiety and control issues in my 20’s. We did have a beautiful son and he found a lovely woman and now we have two grand babies that came from our time together. I sometimes feel I don’t deserve for my dream of love to come true because I hurt him. I don’t believe that anymore but it’s hard when your enlightened to the side of you you’d like to change. That comes with age and experience. Only
My marriage ended for reasons due to illness in my mind. I loved him.
But like being psychic and you don’t know it, maybe even my telepathy with this man I will name, was happening all our lives waiting for the day when one sees the other. Deep down there was kinda like the spirit of the one I was seeking I’d have dreams of loving this man without a face I guess assuming the meaning is that I have not met him yet. There has been this tractor pull towing me from space to this other place. Hard to convey with 011001.
A constant dreaming of someone that I believe now was my destiny. Back then it was more playful. Like if you dream of a musician or actor etc….that’s just a crush on someone you will never met or ever be with. (I found out that actually my fate did take me to the place where I accidentally ran into Eddie Vedder on several occasion. Never speaking. Just being in the room with my hero. Felt like a drug. But I’m going someone with this story and I’m not sure where………..oh yes, love at first site.
This usually starts, crushes etc around puberty. Mine started at 3 years old in 1966. We had one of those big TV consoles that had lid with turn table and radio inside. A huge piece of furniture. I can’t remember where I put my keys but I can remember some significant memories before 5. I have a son. He is 27 now but when he was 5 he did 5 year old stuff. Back in 66, there were a few shows I watched.
The show that changed my life and when I see or hear it now, I feel like that little girl. I became overjoyed every time The Monkees came on I felt giddy. I had a huge crush on Davy Jones. I mean like I stood in front of TV and stared into this dimension where somewhere surely we shared another life. Honestly my Mom use to tease me because I’ve done this all my life. But why Davy Jones? And what 4 year olds have romantic crushes? That sense of attraction to the opposite sex does not exist at that age.
Below is a list of future “Davy Jones.” The boys I had crushes on who were famous. It was about 29 when I realized maybe Davy Jones was a clue from God or some resonance saying (watch for similar person in future) Davy Jones had 3 characteristics that have since have become “my type.”
1 He was petite.
2 He was very funny
3 His British accent and groovy threads (guess that’s 4)
So jump to 2012 and I see a man on a show I will save for a secret for a minute that made me go “Uh. Who is that? I know him. I can see through him.” The mature version of the childhood version. He had all of Davy’s characteristics but with an intense ability to contact me on another plane. Like telepathy. I knew something about him. I didn’t know what I knew but he looked like
“If I had a conversation with God, I would ask him to make this man for me.”
Before I admit to this crazy love that is not there but has a nuance that transforms you old ideas of love. Telepathic, (that one was hard to believe for a long time) Highly intellectual. Empathetic to an extreme and a great conversationalist. Inside and out. Have no idea why I feel like I know him from somewhere. It was true love at first site for me of course because I don’t know him and he is married so that is ok but a bit confusing. I can handle a relationship where the person is not here because not only has he been a muse for my storytelling, I feel safer he is in the world.
Sometimes I have thoughts, feelings downloads into my brain that have no words because it’s different kind of communication. It’s instantaneous knowledge or feeling from someone far away. Maybe people can be part of Quantum Entanglement.
I don’t know if the reader has even read this far or if I’ve interested you in anyway talking about my dreamy love life waiting for the Universe to tell me why I have had all these attractions in my life. It’s part of me and always wondered. Why? He is a quick list and photo of all the boys I’ve like.
Looking for patterns in the chaos.
3-5 Years Old: Crush on Davy Jones of the Monkees.
“marsha marsha marsha!”
4-5 Years Old: Jack Wild A British actor who appeared in the musical film “Oliver” and also in H.R. Puffinstuff
7-9 years old: I switched from actors to rock stars so here comes David Cassidy of “The Partridge Family”
I was getting older by the time the Partridge Family was on but I was less than 8 I’m sure. I can’t believe I’m going to tell this story because it was very innocent to me but my Mom was horrified. I had a writing tablet as I was watching show one night. I started writing what I was thinking (I guess the early writer) I ask my Mom “how do you spell clothes?” She spelled it and then said what are you writing? I had written down “I want to take my clothes off when I see David Cassidy.” Oh. My. God. Don’t know why I’d even think that. I knew nothing of sex. Had no exposure to anything inappropriate. I just wrote it. Maybe we start becoming aware of our sexuality early but slowly and that was what it was. Confession is fun and embarrassing when it’s very odd.
After 7 I seemed to take a break. There was no one. Not Donny Osmond and all those other “Team Beat” magazines I was not interested in. Then my eyes turned from entertainment.
15: Stevie Cauthen the horse jockey. (I was also riding English at this time as he made me horse crazy. My stepfather commented on the fact that my crushes were getting smaller and smaller. He was was of those smug tall men. lol I stole one the books about him from the libray I worked at.
20 Years Old: Things got extremely serious when I found “The Police.” I saw Sting and I was a big goner.
When the Synchronicty album came out I needed to understand what that term meant. This was way before google and I wasn’t much of a reader but I went out and bought this. I read it, but couldn’t quite understand all of it at the time. As opposed to now, sometimes my days are several synchronicites in a row. I have known about it for so long it’s like magic in life almost everyday and two different events happen, with time in between mostly and then a third event happens and you think. Oh My god. How did that come to be like that. It’s wonderful. I meditate everyday, sometimes for more than an hour at a time. It’s takes practice to practice meditation
Synchronicity
With one breath, with one flow
You will know
Synchronicity
A sleep trance, a dream dance,
A shared romance,
Synchronicity
A connecting principle,
Linked to the invisible
Almost imperceptible
Something inexpressible.
Science insusceptible
Logic so inflexible
Causally connectable
Yet nothing is invincible.
If we share this nightmare
Then we can dream
Spiritus mundi.
If you act, as you think,
The missing link,
Synchronicity.
We know you, they know me
Extrasensory
Synchronicity.
A star fall, a phone call,
It joins all,
Synchronicity.
It’s so deep, it’s so wide
Your inside
Synchronicity.
Effect without a cause
Sub-atomic laws, scientific pause
Synchronicity
This brings us to 1992 to present:
I was 7 months pregnant. Laying on the couch in the sunny living room watching MTV. (Back when it was actually worth something) Pearl Jam unplugged came on. I had heard their first album and when I heard his voice it vibrated somewhere in me that I’d never felt. Like his voice was unreal. Passionate, angry then soft and intense. I had not really seen Eddie Vedder perform.
The room got really light and as I watched him sing I felt like I left my body but what was strange I couldn’t leave spiritually because I had life in my belly. I looked at him and immediately thought “I’m in trouble.” This man is an enigma. He sang Black and the ending where sometimes he says “we belong together, we belong together.” It felt like I was kinda receiving a signal but more of a wave.
Then the shame came on quick. “What are you doing falling in love you yet another person I will never met and I already had a husband and I’m pregnant with his child. It was sublime. Of course it’s evolved through the years because he has matured and has a lovely family and does such good work. He’s like you favorite pair of slippers you will never throw out. Another long story but I did this dream thing with him for 24 years when I finally had to say enough. Let him go. Not like I was some teenager screaming I just wanted to know the meaning of so many lucid dreams.
A story that I won’t try to write because it’s a book. This next man visited me in my dreams til this day. 27 years. I will put a link to the bigger story of Eddie Vedder and I.
To this day after living near him for over a decade and running into him and having so many synchronicities things get kinda serious. Bliss and what the heck is going on? So I will say this many has been a father figure to me for so long he is my family. His family is so amazing and they do such altruistic work, that I just always wished he would adopt me. Every single dream I had of him from 1993-2012, was always lucid, always made you feel like you did morphine or something in your sleep. Ecstasy. Friends. So meeting him in person three times and not really talking but just standing looking at each other told me I know like I know the color pink, there is alternate universes where “we are a scorching couple. But in this one, we were neighbors.”
I believe I’ve learned that I can hold two contradicting beliefs in my head and not lose my mind anymore. I can. Actually if you think from your heart and then think the same thing from your head. The head thought is usually sad and negative. An open heart is like a signal receiver. It lets in other worldly lives and when I let go of my ego and stay mindful, that’s when this love makes sense. I believe dreams are doorways. I will love him until the day I die. His music changed my life. Feed me inside. His under the radar lifestyle and goodness just made you want to sit and laugh and have a beer together. I use to believe at Christmas he would call me because I’m a long time member of the club and he gave me gifts for no reason. However it made me sad. The two dimensions rarely crossed and I though maybe I’m keep a real common man away because of having become a nun for Vedder. I said to the Universe on the porch. Dear God. I’m letting go of Eddie. Bad things happened to me in Seattle, nightmarish, although I knew he was there he was never able to save me. So my PTSD got all over Eddie. Suddenly the old innocent times were mixed with psychiatric torment.
That night after saying I’m letting him go, I had a dream. Our dreams had slowed down over a couple of years. Instead of 4 to 8 dreams a year it was one ever six months. In the dream he came with his baby daughter to a party I had. It was near a corn field and everyone of my friends and family said “i guess she was telling the truth because he is here.” He took me down a gravel path and he tried to hold my hand. I was hesitant but di and he ask me why can you just let go of me like that? I replied Really? You are not real. you are dream Eddie. If you are having same dream then tell me. I’m tired of the magic with you but you are married and you aren’t available. The dream was over. He’s still there. I’m just so grateful he is in this world. I have so many intuitions about us, but those are very private and I can’t share what I sometimes don’t understand. Maybe I have telepathy with him as well. I have gifts that I don’t understand but I have accepted and vowed to follow a strange journey. I still wish he would adopt me. :
Science Goes On - A Blind Date With God 
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