If I Had A Conversation w/ God, I’d Ask Him To Make…..

I’m paraphrasing and stealing a line from the movie “Singles.” On meeting a wonderful woman, a man says

“If I had a conversation with God, I would ask him to create this woman.”

Obviously he had some across a woman that he had dreamt of all his life whom he didn’t know if she actually existed.

Love at first sight.

What does that mean. I’d guess it’s too intimate to understand because it comes from a place deep down inside you. Yes you can see a handsome man or someone whose energy you feel attracted to. Of course the brain is the biggest sex organ. It would then follow that if you care about intellectual intercourse it would be hard at first sight to really call it love. But if you talked to the man and everything that came out of his mouth made your skin and thoughts get goose bumps.

I’m over 55 so I have enough wisdom to know what I liked in my past relationships or what I diffidently did not want. Even those that weren’t really for me, taught me things about myself. It was love at first sight with my ex husband. For him as well. He looked like Sting. After being married at 26 to a very kind and European man I got use to kind and calmness. A man who made me laugh and whose family were very fun to be around. Sadly, I was not prepared to be married really. I had not gone away to college. My parents were very nervous sending their virgin daughter down to Indiana University in Bloomington. Back then I was not happy about it be at my age, I realize it would have been kinda a party orgies environment and I was not that person.

I was saving myself. I did until I met my future husband. I knew then he was for me. I got sick later and being married to me was hard but in the end I left and thank God for him because he needed someone stable. Not an emotional wreck. I had bad anxiety and control issues in my 20’s. We did have a beautiful son and he found a lovely woman and now we have two grand babies that came from our time together. I sometimes feel I don’t deserve for my dream of love to come true because I hurt him. I don’t believe that anymore but it’s hard when your enlightened to the side of you you’d like to change. That comes with age and experience. Only

My marriage ended for reasons due to illness in my mind. I loved him.

But like being psychic and you don’t know it, maybe even my telepathy with this man I will name, was happening all our lives waiting for the day when one sees the other. Deep down there was kinda like the spirit of the one I was seeking I’d have dreams of loving this man without a face I guess assuming the meaning is that I have not met him yet. There has been this tractor pull towing me from space to this other place. Hard to convey with 011001.

A constant dreaming of someone that I believe now was my destiny. Back then it was more playful. Like if you dream of a musician or actor etc….that’s just a crush on someone you will never met or ever be with. (I found out that actually my fate did take me to the place where I accidentally ran into Eddie Vedder on several occasion. Never speaking. Just being in the room with my hero. Felt like a drug. But I’m going someone with this story and I’m not sure where………..oh yes, love at first site.

This usually starts, crushes etc around puberty. Mine started at 3 years old in 1966. We had one of those big TV consoles that had lid with turn table and radio inside. A huge piece of furniture. I can’t remember where I put my keys but I can remember some significant memories before 5. I have a son. He is 27 now but when he was 5 he did 5 year old stuff. Back in 66, there were a few shows I watched.

The show that changed my life and when I see or hear it now, I feel like that little girl. I became overjoyed every time The Monkees came on I felt giddy. I had a huge crush on Davy Jones. I mean like I stood in front of TV and stared into this dimension where somewhere surely we shared another life. Honestly my Mom use to tease me because I’ve done this all my life. But why Davy Jones? And what 4 year olds  have romantic crushes? That sense of attraction to the opposite sex does not exist at that age.

Below is a list of future “Davy Jones.” The boys I had crushes on who were famous. It was about 29 when I realized maybe Davy Jones was a clue from God or some resonance saying (watch for similar person in future) Davy Jones had 3 characteristics that have since have become “my type.”

1 He was petite.

2 He was very funny

3 His British accent and groovy threads (guess that’s 4)

So jump to 2012 and I see a man on a show I will save for a secret for a minute that made me go “Uh. Who is that? I know him. I can see through him.” The mature version of the childhood version. He had all of Davy’s characteristics but with an intense ability to contact me on another plane. Like telepathy. I knew something about him. I didn’t know what I knew but he looked like

“If I had a conversation with God, I would ask him to make this man for me.”

Before I admit to this crazy love that is not there but has a nuance that transforms you old ideas of love. Telepathic, (that one was hard to believe for a long time) Highly intellectual. Empathetic to an extreme and a great conversationalist. Inside and out. Have no idea why I feel like I know him from somewhere. It was true love at first site for me of course because I don’t know him and he is married so that is ok but a bit confusing. I can handle a relationship where the person is not here because not only has he been a muse for my storytelling, I feel safer he is in the world.

Sometimes I have thoughts, feelings downloads into my brain that have no words because it’s different kind of communication. It’s instantaneous knowledge or feeling from someone far away. Maybe people can be part of Quantum Entanglement.

I don’t know if the reader has even read this far or if I’ve interested you in anyway talking about my dreamy love life waiting for the Universe to tell me why I have had all these attractions in my life. It’s part of me and always wondered. Why? He is a quick list and photo of all the boys I’ve like.

Looking for patterns in the chaos.

3-5 Years Old: Crush on Davy Jones of the Monkees.

“marsha marsha marsha!”

 

4-5 Years Old: Jack Wild A British actor who appeared in the musical film “Oliver” and also in H.R. Puffinstuff

7-9 years old: I switched from actors to rock stars so here comes David Cassidy of “The Partridge Family”

I was getting older by the time the Partridge Family was on but I was less than 8 I’m sure. I can’t believe I’m going to tell this story because it was very innocent to me but my Mom was horrified. I had a writing tablet as I was watching show one night. I started writing what I was thinking (I guess the early writer) I ask my Mom “how do you spell clothes?” She spelled it and then said what are you writing? I had written down “I want to take my clothes off when I see David Cassidy.” Oh. My. God. Don’t know why I’d even think that. I knew nothing of sex. Had no exposure to anything inappropriate. I just wrote it. Maybe we start becoming aware of our sexuality early but slowly and that was what it was.  Confession is fun and embarrassing when it’s very odd.

After 7 I seemed to take a break. There was no one. Not Donny Osmond and all those other “Team Beat” magazines I was not interested in. Then my eyes turned from entertainment.

15: Stevie Cauthen the horse jockey. (I was also riding English at this time as he made me horse crazy. My stepfather commented on the fact that my crushes were getting smaller and smaller. He was was of those smug tall men. lol  I stole one the books about him from the libray I worked at.

 

20 Years Old:  Things got extremely serious when I found “The Police.” I saw Sting and I was a big goner.

When the Synchronicty album came out I needed to understand what that term meant.  This was way before google and I wasn’t much of a reader but I went out and bought this. I read it, but couldn’t quite understand all of it at the time. As opposed to now, sometimes my days are several synchronicites in a row. I have known about it for so long it’s like magic in life almost everyday and two different events happen, with time in between mostly and then a third event happens and you think. Oh My god. How did that come to be like that. It’s wonderful. I meditate everyday, sometimes for more than an hour at a time. It’s takes practice to practice meditation

Synchronicity

With one breath, with one flow
You will know
Synchronicity

A sleep trance, a dream dance,
A shared romance,
Synchronicity

A connecting principle,
Linked to the invisible
Almost imperceptible
Something inexpressible.
Science insusceptible
Logic so inflexible
Causally connectable
Yet nothing is invincible.

If we share this nightmare
Then we can dream
Spiritus mundi.

If you act, as you think,
The missing link,
Synchronicity.

We know you, they know me
Extrasensory
Synchronicity.

A star fall, a phone call,
It joins all,
Synchronicity.

It’s so deep, it’s so wide
Your inside
Synchronicity.

Effect without a cause
Sub-atomic laws, scientific pause
Synchronicity

This brings us to 1992 to present:

I was 7 months pregnant. Laying on the couch in the sunny living room watching MTV. (Back when it was actually worth something) Pearl Jam unplugged came on. I had heard their first album and when I heard his voice it vibrated somewhere in me that I’d never felt. Like his voice was unreal. Passionate, angry then soft and intense. I had not really seen Eddie Vedder perform.

The room got really light and as I watched him sing I felt like I left my body but what was strange I couldn’t leave spiritually because I had life in my belly. I looked at him and immediately thought “I’m in trouble.” This man is an enigma. He sang Black and the ending where sometimes he says “we belong together, we belong together.” It felt like I was kinda receiving a signal but more of a wave.

Then the shame came on quick. “What are you doing falling in love you yet another person I will never met and I already had a husband and I’m pregnant with his child. It was sublime. Of course it’s evolved through the years because he has matured and has a lovely family and does such good work. He’s like you favorite pair of slippers you will never throw out. Another long story but I did this dream thing with him for 24 years when I finally had to say enough. Let him go. Not like I was some teenager screaming I just wanted to know the meaning of so many lucid dreams.

A story that I won’t try to write because it’s a book. This next man visited me in my dreams til this day. 27 years. I will put a link to the bigger story of Eddie Vedder and I.

To this day after living near him for over a decade and running into him and having so many synchronicities things get kinda serious. Bliss and what the heck is going on? So I will say this many has been a father figure to me for so long he is my family. His family is so amazing and they do such altruistic work, that I just always wished he would adopt me. Every single dream I had of him from 1993-2012, was always lucid, always made you feel like you did morphine or something in your sleep. Ecstasy. Friends. So meeting him in person three times and not really talking but just standing looking at each other told me I know like I know the color pink, there is alternate universes where “we are a scorching couple. But in this one, we were neighbors.”

I believe I’ve learned that I can hold two contradicting beliefs in my head and not lose my mind anymore. I can. Actually if you think  from your heart and then think the same thing from your head. The head thought is usually sad and negative. An open heart is like a signal receiver. It lets in other worldly lives and when I let go of my ego and stay mindful, that’s when this love makes sense. I believe dreams are doorways. I will love him until the day I die. His music changed my life. Feed me inside. His under the radar lifestyle and goodness just made you want to sit and laugh and have a beer together. I use to believe at Christmas he would call me because I’m a long time member of the club and he gave me gifts for no reason. However it made me sad. The two dimensions rarely crossed and I though maybe I’m keep a real common man away because of having become a nun for Vedder. I said to the Universe on the porch. Dear God. I’m letting go of Eddie. Bad things happened to me in Seattle, nightmarish, although I knew he was there he was never able to save me. So my PTSD got all over Eddie. Suddenly the old innocent times were mixed with psychiatric torment.

That night after saying I’m letting him go, I had a dream. Our dreams had slowed down over a couple of years. Instead of 4 to 8 dreams a year it was one ever six months. In the dream he came with his baby daughter to a party I had. It was near a corn field and everyone of my friends and family said “i guess she was telling the truth because he is here.” He took me down a gravel path and he tried to hold my hand. I was hesitant but di and he ask me why can you just let go of me like that? I replied Really? You are not real. you are dream Eddie. If you are having same dream then tell me. I’m tired of the magic with you but you are married and you aren’t available. The dream was over. He’s still there. I’m just so grateful he is in this world. I have so many intuitions about us, but those are very private and I can’t share what I sometimes don’t understand. Maybe I have telepathy with him as well. I have gifts that I don’t understand but I have accepted and vowed to follow a strange journey. I still wish he would adopt me. :

 

Daydream Believer

It’s 1966 and three-year old Deuphoria is at the breakfast table munching on toast with grape jelly which she never liked. The reason was… when her Mother gave her aspirin she would crush them up and put them in grape jelly which made jelly always taste bitter. Her mother was folding laundry that she took in to make extra money. She always seemed sad and Deuphoria thought it was because her and Daddy argued over money all the time.

Dew could hear the TV on in the other room. She gulped down her bitter toast and ran to see what was on their new color TV. It was like a piece of furniture and it had a turntable in the top. Dew didn’t know what it was but all she knew was it spun around and around and music came out. The volume was up full as she turned the knobs to find cartoons and funny shows. Suddenly she saw something she could not stop staring at. It was four boys in a band doing funny things and singing funny music.  She yelled for her mother.

Mommy! What is this show? It’s called The Monkee’s. Dew thought that was a funny name for four boys. Is it because they are acting like monkeys? she laughed. She sat very close to the TV. She liked the song and then suddenly she saw a boy on the show that made her stand up and move closer to the TV than ever.  She saw this face.

Who is that boy? she asked her Mother. His name is Davy Jones.

Dew was silent. She stared at the TV and put her hands on the screen. What are you doing? Her mother asks.  Mommy, I think I love Davy Jones. Her Mother laughed. Why do you love him she said? Because he looks like a boy I have seen before. No honey, you have just seen him on TV that’s why he looks familiar. What is familiar? Dew asked. It means that it is something you see all the time. Familiar. Well, I saw him all the time before I was born! Dew said proudly. I’m younger than you, I know different things you don’t. Her mother laughed and returned to her folding as Dew was lost in another world. Her Mother did think the behavior odd.

In her heart center Dew felt pulled into the TV. She had a funny feeling in her head too and in her ears. Suddenly she felt a new kind of love. Different from her mommy and daddy. The sound of the song made her want to sing. She didn’t know the words so she made some up and danced in front of the TV screen beaming a hypnotic state into her tiny mind where synapses were going off in places that were never connected before.

Right then, she heard a familiar pulsating in her right ear. She had forgotten what it meant, but it felt like Davy Jones was singing deeply in her ear. All of these feelings were too confusing for a three-year old. There was a tear of joy in her eyes that made her feel like she was crying.

She felt sad and sick to her stomach that this boy was not real and only inside the TV.

She wanted to play with him! She wanted to be with him and didn’t understand technology enough to know why he was in her house while not being in her house. It felt like a daydream.

 Was this the beginning of something shrinks might call later in life call Erotomania? Why explain to her about that now? She would not understand something we adults don’t even understand.

Who says our souls do not recognize souls we have known from another dimensions we don’t understand.

Dew understood by the way he made her feel for the next two years as she would become obsessed with the show.

One Christmas her mother gave her a 45 rpm record. It was the song Daydream Believer. She didn’t know what a homecoming queen was, but it must be nice if he were calling  her that.

Music and laughter are often the vehicles to remembering things we were meant to remember. Like familiar smells. They turn back time. Like a little time machine golf carts that slowly take us backwards to old memories.

Daydream Believer

Oh, I could hide ‘neath the wings
Of the bluebird as she sings.
The six o’clock alarm would never ring.
But six rings and I rise,
Wipe the sleep out of my eyes.
My shavin’ razor’s cold and it stings.

Cheer up, Sleepy Jean.
Oh, what can it mean.
To a daydream believer
And a homecoming queen.

You once thought of me
As a white knight on a steed.
Now you know how happy I can be.
Oh, and our good times starts and end
Without dollar one to spend.
But how much, baby, do we really need.
But how much, baby, do we really need.

Cheer up, Sleepy Jean.
Oh, what can it mean.
To a daydream believer
And a homecoming queen.
Cheer up, Sleepy Jean.
Oh, what can it mean.
To a daydream believer
And a homecoming queen.

Cheer up, Sleepy Jean.
Oh, what can it mean.
To a daydream believer
And a homecoming queen.

Later when she grew up to be fifty, she wrote this story on the link below about Davy. Davy also had passed away. Never to know his 4-year-old fan. She writes as if half child and half adult. But to this day she still feels the magic, but with a remembering of something that is there she can’t explain to rational adults anymore.

My Protector

It’s 1965 and a 2 year old little girl lay in her bed. In another room you could hear her parents arguing. Often she would put an extra pillow over her head to drown out the sound she was not familiar with and to keep her own cries from being heard.

She finally fell asleep but into a waking dream.

At first there appeared a funny sound in her right ear. A pulsating, as if the blood was rushing through the veins in her ears. But this sound she thought was different. She thought it sounded funny like a drum, drumming her to sleep. But it was not rhythmic and it was not a drum.

She spoke to this sound. Are you a thing? she said. Yes, something answered with one pulse in the ear. How do I know you are a thing she said. You could just be a sound I think is something. If you are a thing, make two sounds slow. In the child’s right ear two slow pulses were heard.

Who are you? the little one asked. I am your protector. I have come from a far away place that you can’t understand but I’m here to watch over you all your life. The child was confused in her dream and lucid as she was asking so many questions as two year olds tend to do. How are you saying this to me now without making that sound? she said. My voice is inside your dream now. I have a story to tell you said the something.

Can I see what you look like the child said. Yes, but you must promise not to be afraid. I won’t she said. In her dream a strange thing was walking across her front lawn in the dark. It was a shiny metal rod. It’s feet, hands and head were just metal balls. It had no face but it walked funny and left little lightening streaks in it’s path across the yard.

You look funny she said. What’s your name? said the something. My name is Deuphoria she dreamed proudly. But Daddy calls me Dew like on leaves in the morning. That’s a lovely thing, the thing said. What is your name? asked Dew. My name is something. Hi something she said. Nice to meet you. Your are a very polite girl for being so young it replied. Why? she said. Because you are special, it said.

I have come to visit you in this dream to give you a message. You must listen carefully it said. Before you were born you had a best friend on our planet. A little boy that God made just for you and you just for him. You were both meant to come back to Earth at the same time. You are known as indigo children. Children like you have special gifts that can help the world and we are giving you Earth mommy and daddies to help you live here. There is only one more child like you, that is your best friend.

Where is he? I want to see him. she said. That’s the problem said the something. Our machines got broken and you were sent to Earth too fast. He can’t come to earth for nine more years until we fix it.  You were meant to come to Earth and play hide and seek. What do you mean? she said. People who love each other like to play games. You and he were going to be born on the same day in different places and we were going to help you find each other again. The rule of the game is that you can’t remember your looking for him. I don’t understand said Dew. How will I find him if I don’t know he is playing hide and seek with me?

Watch for the magic things, the something said. We put an extra special way for us to talk to you before you were born. You will understand later. Don’t worry now. As you grow you will start to have a knowledge that there is a special boy you are looking for. I will give you a hint the something said with a twinkle in it’s metal face,

You will first remember you looking when you see a cute boy on TV who makes you laugh. You don’t have to worry about anything. You just enjoy playing the game. I have to go now. Just remember you are looking for Prince Charming from Cinderella, like the books your mom reads to you. When you feel that magic twinge in your heart you will know you are on the right path. There will be scary things that make you forget this ever happened, but you must promise to remember you are an indigo child and you are made of magic.

The something faded away and Dew finally fell into a deep sleep with no dreams. She woke the next morning and told her mommy about the funny thing that had talked to her the night before, but her mom could’t listen because she was crying because Daddy was yelling.

Two years passed and one day she saw this show on TV called The Monkees. She was mesmerized by it. There was one cute petite British boy she seemed to pay particular attention to. His name was Davy Jones. At 4 years old, little Dew started looking for her Prince, not even remembering the something that told her there would be magic signs to watch for. Every episode she would stand within inches of the TV, feeling something that not too many 4 year olds feel. Romantic love.

On her 5th birthday her mother bought her the first 45 she ever owned. “Daydream believer” by the Monkees. Her parents had the old fashioned stereos with TV’s in the front and a turntable hidden in the top. She would put the record on and stare for hours and hours watching the label turn round and round. She imagines Davy would wait for her to grow up so he could be her hide and seek buddy, but somehow in her tiny mind, she knew that was impossible. This was to be her first love that she would never meet. But this wasn’t bad news for she had been given a purpose to find the one and even though she didn’t know it now, there were be many impersonators. That was her quest.

And years from now would anyone really remember such an event at an early age. She slept until she was three.

 

I Cut My Lip On A Cloud While I Slept With You

A bird is tweeting at a cloud outside the window, next to my bed. I must be awake.

I had the strangest dream. There was a man, An indigenous and beautiful young man that appeared in my vision last night. He came to me while I rested in a center for care. He was a great man and had already fell in love with me before I met him.

We left the Earth together for a moment and suddenly his face changed to another beautiful man. One I don’t know, but one feels like one knows.

I’m sorry if you don’t know this feeling.

So just as this beautiful new face appeared in my dream, my phone text alert went off. My waking mind just knew it had to do with the man I had just seen.  A man I don’t know saying something from a  space too complicated to explain. It felt like synchronicity. I looked at my hand to make sure I was awake. I looked at it again. It was still my hand. So, yes I was awake. I woke up shaky and sorta sad from not saying goodbye in the dream.

I walked to the bathroom mirror and noticed I had cut my lip while dreaming. That’s like getting your tongue burned from clotted cream on your scone. Wtf?

I wish I could enter my dream magic into a super organic shaman computer and ask….Who are these unknown but known souls to me? Why do they come? Why did they sometimes come out of  a TV? Are there living angels?

I have no idea what I’m talking about is the problem.

What is it that creates life really? I’m sure it’s not TV. I know it all comes from love. Simply love.

Does anything understand what I mean? It’s hard to have something in your head, where there are no  ____ to express it. Is there a mathematical equation I should have learned. The wisdom I have gained however is that it’s never wrong to love.

Never.

Does anything understand what I mean?

Computer needs more information:

Who are you?!

An organic computer. 🙂

Can you make any sense of this?

Yes.

Ok. So what the frak is going on?

Enter Destination Name:

I don’t understand?

Think of a destination name.

Uh..ok. Well there is this one place.

Enter Destination Name:

sweetbabyjamescallisland

Enter User Name: 

 @Yet Another Atom

Enter Secret Code:

 3.1415926535898

See. Easy as Pie.

I see.

Second Secret Code:

I feel naked.

Your Dog’s Name?

What!!??

I’m running low on psychic fuel here!

For Your Security.

Well, since you put it that way….

Your Dog’s Name?

 Rocket

processing……please enjoy the silence.

data received.

I am in love with you and do you want to get out of here?

What???

Are you talking to me?

Yes.

ENTER!

Incoming Transmission of Unknown Origin

……………………………….

Outgoing Transmission of Known Origin

……………………………….

Transmission Went Home To Smoke A Joint and make a video.

https://www.vimeo.com/93087003

 

I Think It Was The Way He Danced

I am convinced that the biggest loves of my life lasted longer…were more intense….more dream like, more intimate than any real relationship I had with a man. Almost destined like they were given to me at a young age. Looking for a protector of some kind. Information I have in my soul but only vaguely remember where they came from these fascinations.

Of course they were teen idols but I was a teen. I was 3 when The Monkees aired on TV.

Funny, what 3yr old is really that romantic? Seriously, the only explanation is the power of TV in the 60’s.

Is it that somehow I entangled myself with these slightly unobtainable guys before birth? It’s like they are playing hide and seek. I keep doing it and my friends and family can’t understand it. I can’t either to my dismay but I accept it. I have real relationships. But I always have these lovely dreamy imaginary ones too. Maybe to remind me of youth.

I have to laugh…would someone have called me an obsessed fan in 1967 however my destiny, even at 4? No. Of course not. I do hope I am not that now.

Now 49, there have been several bigger than life men in this club of mine heart and it’s keeps growing. Although each new one that comes on, I never really lose the feelings for the last one, they just change color.

What is truly wrong with my heart living in fantasy I have no control of. Like the first viewing of these men seem so familiar like I have known them in another life. It could be worse, I could be addicted to pain killers. So I love the feeling of love, nothing wrong with that. Well, yes in some ways there is the unrequited love thing, but when you have danced that story all your life with these men, you become an expert at unconditional love and carrying a broken heart. Real men break hearts more powerfully than imaginary ones.

I only have to look at myself as a pure innocent child to solve the question I have about my adult dreams. It’s ok. I can’t explain it and still, it’s ok.

Why when I open my mind learn things, like synchronicity, these men appear.

They oscillate between drama and music.

I think Davy Jones blew my mind at 4 because of those funked up threads and that dance step of his.

He was the first.

Rest in peace sweet prince.

We will meet someday.

 

It Started With a Union Jack

The first time I fell in love I think I was three or four.

What’s up with that? What toddler, basically feels romantic love? Shouldn’t I have been playing  with my paper dolls rather than mooning over some  dude already. Geez, I just got here, God, I had my whole life to feel small and rejected,

WORK me, Lord! says Janis  Joplin. 

(Thanks for popping in girlfriend, you know I know what you know.)

Anyway…

I was drawn to a British boy I saw on a funny show called The Monkees.

Why did I fall for HIM in particular is my question. Did I know him before I was born. If you believe in reincarnation, then it’s possible.

but…… I was like four? Who does that? Who falls in love so young?

Was there something wrong in my family situation that caused me to create imaginary worlds to escape from something. Probably. Nothing awful. Just a general knowing that even your own parent will betray you. Once that trust has been taken, a mother and daughter for example may never understand each other.

Since I’ve been in years of therapy I know my shit. I understand the origin of this behavior. I was using projection as a child to deal with dysfunction. TV offered worlds to escape into. Boys and men who were good fathers and brothers and husbands. Places I have never seen. Unconditional love I have never felt. Jesus Christ Superstar for example, we will leave Ted Neely out of this but yea, I have a Jesus fetish.

That’s another story for another time, when my machine is working  again.

I think Davy Jones gave me a feeling of happiness and laughter. Pretty simple. Don’t need much as a child actually. It was if I was hypnotized to the screen. Tunnel vision.  His voice. I learned to sing then.

When I pass someday, I hope he is there on the other side of the river, ready to take me to prom and not Marsha Brady!

So how many times I have I done this? Had these attractions to men I don’t know. Several. There were many years when real life got to happen and I was actually in love and loved back by a real man, so I took breaks.  These crushes were short lived through my teenage years. It was not until my divorce in 95, that the process forced itself back into my life through synchronistic ways, that you’d have to be dead not  to question the coincidences…

Here is a general list of all the crushes I can remember up to the present.  50 years of  unrequited love stories.

1. Davy Jones

In 1969, I was 5. I fell in love with a British Boy I saw on a funny show called H.R. Puff N Stuff.

2. Jack Wild

In 1970, my search for my soul mate strayed off the path when I left the magic kingdom to pursue evil Rock Stars which left me ultimately cold.

3. David Cassidy

4. Leif Garrett -There seemed to be some beach boy crush at one point. Didn’t last long.

….then I took to horse jockeys. I guess I was taking English riding lessons at the time. But in time I realized that he was from Kentucky. Not England.  That was….

5. Stevie Cauthen

Horsey British phase.

6. Sting

Carl Jung then haunted me…synchronistically but did combine the pure essence of British boys again… while teaching me a bit of maybe Quantum Entanglement and the start of synchronicity in my life. That was….

7. Bono – 

Angry.

..back to the UK. Trajectory towards British men aligned somehow again until…

8. Eddie Vedder – …..that night in London 1993 when I had a prophetic dream of him.

this was a long time following, 20 years in fact and quite a mysterious admiration I must say which included close encounters and phones calls and mysterious gifts of his. To this day I receive phone calls from a man named Seth who I was told was Eddie and that he calls poor pathetic depressed women to help them anonymously since so many love him. He still calls in 2015 since 2006, and still has not confessed unless in the song Just Breath that it was him. Coming clean he says in music, but never in words or deeds in real life. He also has a child that looks alot like me and I dont’ like that thought at all…so even tho this SEth and this dream Eddie have been my protector, he never saved me in SEattle. He never came real…I had to let him go. I thought I would never love anyone else ever again..so I went off meds and went into hell alone when happened.

…I found Battlestar Galactica and …

9. James Callis, I think Davy Jones was the preview of things to come. James is a funny, British actor that gives me the same childhood feeling of love. Maybe Davy was the metaphor. Was it I that God made James for?

 it’s “oh my God, who is that?”  kinda feeling.

Felt like something came full circle since that first crush so young.

How long is this going to go on?

A friend said to me something pretty wise. She knows my history of supernatural connections and she said about this about my fascination with James.

“as far as your attraction to a person you’ve never met, it’s more  like, there are billions of people on Earth. Out of those billions, you happen to notice this actor. It’s not that he is an actor, it’s more like, out of the all actors in the world, your soul choose him. Why him? Is there meaning behind the connection?”

and of course in the beginning he was just another baby born on Earth.